#4295 I feel like complete shit at times when I think about the community I came from. Every person in our extended immigrant community is successful and well-established. Every time I go home I cant stop obsessing over how I compare myself and over how others gauge my worth as a human being by comparing me to others who have effectively made it in society by either becoming: a doctor, a wealthy banker, a Silicon Valley engineer, etc. Regardless of how intelligent I am or am not, I know Im not living to my fullest potential because these stifling thoughts, these intense feelings of murderous envy just trap me into a corner and I can think of little else when I start studying. Even in my own home my family sees me as a product thats begun to offer diminishing returns. It shows all too well in how theyve begun to treat me--the fewer conversations, the condescending tones, blatantly comparing me to my relatives in front of my face, etc. I just want to change my name and identity and just disappear to pursue my own interests, without the fear of being judged for what Im doing or what Im making. But I know I cant. Because in this society, cash is king and society will always judge you by what you have and how far up the ladder you are.
Posted on: Thu, 04 Dec 2014 00:15:19 +0000
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