5 minutes in a womans head: What time is it? What day is it? Oh gosh this bed feels so good. Why cant I just stay here all day. That would be the perfect vacation. Screw the Caribbean, I just want my bed. My bed with Netflix and cheesecake. And Tostitos. Guacamole, too. Mmm. Nachos. And sangria. Ill never be skinny. Maybe I should do that Facebook ab challenge. Because I need something fresh to fail at. I should do a cheesecake challenge. Try a new cheesecake every day. What are they fighting about? A highlighter? In a room full of toys that I paid good money for, these kids are fighting over a highlighter? Speaking of toys, I should probably wash their stuffed animals. What if theyre full of dust mites. What if theres an entire city of dust mites right behind Tenderheart Bears eyes? A dust mite community with freeways and infrastructure and elected dust mite officials. I need to be more on top of this stuff. Why cant I be a normal, responsible, Pinterest mom? I havent made my baby one sensory table or ice tray full of colorful little finger foods. What do I need to do today... return calls, answer emails, return texts from days ago... people probably think Im so rude. I need to get organized. I need to organize this whole house. This room is a mess. I saw on Oprah that your bedroom is a reflection of your marriage. God please dont let that be true. I need to declutter. At the very least I need to put away all of this laundry. Its a bad sign when you run out of laundry baskets and start using clear storage containers. But first I need to take all of the clothes out of all of the drawers and sort. Im tired of seeing my 4-year-old put on 2T pants. But they kind of look like capri pants, right? I just hate getting rid of clothes. Especially when I know they cant be passed down. Maybe we should have another baby. I dont feel done. I feel crazy and stressed out, but not done. Would I need a bigger car? I am not driving a minivan. They should definitely have some fruit this morning. Strawberries. Too bad theyre not organic. Arent they on the dirty dozen list? Its probably better to eat air than a non-organic strawberry. Theyre probably just pesticides in the shape of strawberries. Strawberry-shaped toxic bombs of agricultural poison. Ill rinse them first. I need to clean out the fridge. And the freezer. Were never going to eat that stuff. I hate that we waste so much. What am I going to make for dinner tonight? Ive already done tacos... chicken... nobody likes my meatloaf. We need to eat less meat. Im killing my family. Pasta? But gluten is bad, right? Rice. Rice with... I dont know. Maybe Ill just pick up a pizza. Ive cooked for three nights in a row and deserve a night off. Definitely pizza. I wish I could be more like my sister-in-law. Shes so organized. My house looks like an outlet mall threw up in here and then lay down and made vomit angels in the vomit. Today is definitely a mopping day. Last night I think I saw a dust bunny roll across the family room like a tumbleweed in those old Western films. But first I have to go to the store and get some vinegar. I should throw out all of the harsh cleaners. Those chemicals are probably hurting the baby. Itll be my fault if theres ever something wrong with him. Me and my stupid love of Fresh Scent. What is Fresh Scent anyway? Wouldnt Fresh Scent technically be odorless? Its just that Fresh Scent makes me feel accomplished. Like I did something. They should call it Progress Scent or I Tried Scent. I need to get more pacifiers. At this point Im starting to think they evaporate into thin air. Maybe goblins come in the night and steal them for their goblin babies. Speaking of goblins, I should sign them up for summer camp today. I hope I havent missed the deadline. I cant believe how expensive camp is this year. I can see why some moms turn to stripping. Wasnt there a Lifetime movie about that? Stripping For Summer Camp? Everyone needs doctor appointments. I wish doctors made house calls. But then Id have to clean. Maybe Id just spritz a little I Tried Scent in the air. OK, if I dont get up now were going to be late. Oh man, I have to stop for gas. Im on empty. Why do I always wait until the last minute? Because I was rushing home to make dinner. They want breakfast. Why havent I heard the baby yet? Is he OK? I hope hes OK. Did he wake up last night? I cant remember. Oh no. What if I go in there and... oh, there he is. Hes screaming now. I wish hed sleep a little longer. Bunmi is the author of The Honest Toddler: A Childs Guide to Parenting. This is a humor book, please calm down. WATCH Bunmi discuss this post on HuffPost Live: Blogger Elici... Like Us On Facebook | Follow Us On Twitter | Contact HuffPost Parents ALSO ON HUFFPOST: Cute Kid Notes Load More
Posted on: Fri, 18 Jul 2014 16:50:08 +0000
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