50 Reasons Not To Date A Poet By BETTY GENERIC It may sound romantic, but in search of that elusive metaphor, poets can be somewhat “eccentric.” 1. If you date a poet everyone will think you are the jerk they are writing about. 2. You will be the jerk they are talking about. 3. They have an unnatural affection for book stores and office supply stores. 4. They have deep conversations with Animals, clouds, and Grecian Urns. 5. Excessive use of “Poetry Hands.” 6. Excessive use of “poetic licence.” 7. Excessive use of “melancholy.” 8. Excessive use of “apostrophes.” 9. They collect obscure words that have not been in circulation for at least 100 years or more. 10. They insert these antediluvian words into conversations just to rebel against the modern world. 11. They think children books are sublime. 12. They refuse to care where the remote is. 13. All their furniture will be positioned around windows for them to stare out for hours at a time. 14. Your parents will think they are possessed. 15. They are possessed. 16. You will lose all arguments, or feel so guilty you wish you had lost. 17. They will secretly judge your metaphors as similes. 18. They carry a notebook everywhere and let everyone see it but you. 19. They hoard pens and refuse to let you borrow them. 20. They are obsessed with incredibly depressing films without happy endings. 21. They listen to every single kind of music you can imagine, even Brazilian monkey howling listening for universal truth. 22. They keep conversations going way too long. 23. You will never know if they agree with you or are just following you down the rabbit hole to see how crazy you are. 24. They will visit other rabbit holes. 25. They can’t keep secrets. It will come out thinly veiled and mythologized in their poetry. 26. It takes a least a week to a year for them to form their opinion about something, and that opinion is subject to change. 27. They speak in rhyme all the time. 28. They talk to everyone, which a lot of people find scary, especially at the grocery store. 29. They don’t understand why if murder, rape, slavery, and genocide are illegal, then why is war legal? 30. They actually think people need to be protected from Monsanto, instead of protecting Monsanto. 31. They do not understand why all of a sudden group “X” is hated by everyone. 32. They don’t understand the global threat of Dandelions and why they must be eradicated the with toxic chemical. 33. They refuse to care what celebrities are fighting on twitter, or at least they pretend not to care what celebrities are fighting on twitter. 34. They are rebels and purposely wear white shoes after Labor Day. 35. They think espresso machines and tiny cups are magic. 36. They refuse to #textspeak. 37. They will ask you empty out your head and your heart like junk drawers and question everything in them. 38. They can not live without passion. 39. There will be drama. 40. They crave plot twists. 41. Their greatest fear is no will understand their allusions. 42. They mine for emotional shrapnel like diamonds. 43. Their euphemisms will never measure up. 44. They can only live or visit cities with poetry open mics. 45. Whatever is wrong, they have a tea for it, and probably a cookie, definitely a wine. 46. They attempt to interject malapropisms into every conversation. 47. They have their own antagonist and nemesis. 48. They sneak dord into conversations in an attempt to make it a real word. 49. They abuse Asyndetons. 50. But the most important reason never to date a poet is that poetry is an addiction, and before you know it you will be hooked.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Apr 2014 00:02:10 +0000