A Confession: I tend to pay a lot of attention to my dreams - I think theres a lot of truth revealed in what we dream. A lot of times we may dream in symbol and metaphor, but Ive also found theres no emotional filter in my dreams. What I dream about reveals my actual feelings about circumstance, and people, and my own hopes and fears, my strengths and shortcomings, my ambitions, my successes, and my failures. Years ago, I had a falling out with several people all at once - people I considered at that time to be my closest friends - over a disastrous business deal. There was grief and anger and justification on both sides - but after the emotion passed, and cooler heads prevailed, I ended up reconciling splendidly with some of them. The others remained utterly distant, and I told myself that it was for the best, and that they were actually not very good people or very good friends. But for years, when I dreamed about them, it was always, always a scenario where we mended our differences, and all past grief was set aside, and I always woke in tears. My mind was made up - but my heart still missed what was good about that circle of friends that had been broken. I could not affect their own choices - but my dream told me that hardening my heart against them meant I was just avoiding taking responsibility for my own choices in the situation, and was not responding the way I believed I should - whether or not they would ever accept a gesture of forgiveness, reconciliation, and love. I also used to have dreams about getting my first big book deal - and while in waking life I was cool, collected, and very objective about the whole process, which seemed to take forever, and involved many, many hopeful possibilities that often fell through, in dreams, my true hopes were revealed. In dreams, I would get a call from my agent, telling me a huge publisher was offering a massive advance to publish my books, which were certain to be bestsellers. What was also important to me in those dreams were the accolades that would come with such success - hopes and desires not unfamiliar to many of my author friends, who share the same ambitions. And in time, after much patience and work and sweat and tears - those dreams came true. And over time, I dreamed of those things and those spectacular, hopeful scenarios less and less because it was all something that had become a part of my daily life. But I did still have them - and as the market became more competitive, so did my responses in my dreams. In waking life, I have always tried to be helpful and supportive to everyone around me who was striving towards the same goals - but once in a while, I would dream about things like the movie deals in scenarios where I could get everything I wanted, on the condition that someone else would lose out, or take a hit. And to my shame, I still recall several dreams where I agreed, mostly out of fear that the opportunity would never come again if I declined, so I agreed. Reluctantly, but still, I agreed. And awake, the memories haunted me; I wondered if those dreams revealed what I really felt, what choices I would really make. Last night, I had a similar dream, but it was of a meeting with my agent, at a huge office of a big publisher, where, as in older dreams, I was being offered a massive deal to publish a new series - and in the discussion that ensued, it was mentioned that they had also wanted a second series from another author, but could only do one deal. And the moment I signed, the other author would be told that it was over, that their books would not be published - and if they missed that chance, might never be. And it was up to me. And in my dream, my response was immediate. I asked that the new author - someone I knew - be given the deal. The publisher and agent protested, and said that the same terms would apply to me: my books would not be published, and might never be. And instead of reacting with worry and fear, I smiled and said, Thats okay. Ill figure something out. I always do. I woke up smiling, and ready to hit my day, because I believe that what I felt in that dream was true. I think - I believe - that I would not want to succeed at someone elses expense; that I earnestly hope for the success of others as much as my own; and that the deepest core of my heart and soul that allows all of that to be possible - including continuing to persevere in the face of difficulty - is confidence, and not fear. A Protagonist who is focused on making his own story great can command attention; but one who cares as much about making other Protagonists stories just as great, even if theres a personal cost to doing so, inspires something greater. Thats what I hope I will continue to choose - awake or asleep. - James
Posted on: Wed, 22 Oct 2014 05:56:51 +0000
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