A classic email from Haze from Feb 2001. Too good not to share. Thanks Cracker for forwarding this over: From: elhaze@hotmail (scott hazelcorn) To: anthony_kim@excite, mtpapio@excite, [email protected], [email protected], Ken.DiStefano@ey, klambpr@hotmail, dhrobsky@williamsgva, luxter@mindspring, alexander.kim@csfb, [email protected], anthony.kim@ssmb, Coconnorinc@aol, bardo72@hotmail, whalenr@rappdigital, [email protected], MHoney@lifecell, Suzanne_Pasquarello@consecofinance There are sick and disturbing rumors circulating the windstream concerning the reunification of the gang members that have helped shape and mold my miserable life. Through reliable sources that will continue to remain anonymous, I have come across information that threatens to rip apart the very fabric that knits the cohesive sweater that keeps us warm and holds us together. The sad truth is harder to swallow than Mike Lombardos throbbing member. Its more difficult to digest than Tony Kim joining a gym. What am I talking about, you ask. I am speaking about the fact that my boys from Berkeley Heights have decided to NOT participate in a beach house this summer. That sentence sends a raging river of tears down my face that would fill Dan Nelsons belly button and a chill up my spine that would freeze all the hair on McDouchs back. The Collosal Cranium Crew consisting of Chris OConnor and Tony Kim have been working diligently in the cold winter months in an attempt to secure another season of summer paradise for everyone. Yet, all parties that were involved in last years festivites have been running away quicker than Richie Whalens hairline. Tony Short Round Kim told this handsome reporter, Ive heard every excuse in the book this year. Tax problems, my girlfriend wont let me, I live at home but I dont have enough money,I have to support my drug habit. Its really disgusting. Now, Ive run into hundreds of people,in the past, who have said that they were going to pass on a share in some beach house. Then sometime in July this buck-toothed titan of the typewriter, comes across these same people and all they have to say is, I cant believe I didnt get in on a shore house. I am so bored. The weekends suck up here when nobody is around. You hear it every year. And for all you people who think that youll just grub off somebody, think again. THERE WILL BE NO HOUSE TO GRUB OFF OF. So when you decide to get a room at the Sand Pebble to squeeze 15 overweight, and I mean overweight, boozehounds into that little sweet every weekend, at $50 bucks a pop, dont expect to be happy about it. But dont get your panties all in a bunch because its not too late yet. This summer has the potential to go down in the ANALs of history as the greatest event since the Vikii Mallelo-Cherrise Richmond Battle of the Breasts. We need to unite to recreate that solidarity that brought this well-oiled party machine together in the first place. Are we willing to just forget about the sun; the fun; the beach; the bikinis the hackey-sac; the horseshoes; the raising of your sunglasses to make sure the angel that just walked by you was real; The cool, cool Miller Lites you pop open at 5:00 on the front porch, as Snoop plays on the radio and you comment on all the little honeys walking home from a day tanning; the danger zone; the above ground pool, the barbecues, the late night strolls on the moonlit beach; the drunken make outs; the skinney dipping. Are we willing to give it all up? Throughout history, people have come to regret many acts that they thought would not be a big deal or affect them in the long run. A man may build a thousand bridges in his lifetime but if he sucks one guys dick, ONE DICK, hell go down in history as a cocksucker. DONT BE A COCKSUCKER. ATTENTION ALL GANG MEMBERS PAST AND PRESENT In case anyone of you has been buried under Wonka Wlliams for the last few weeks, there is only 48 more hours until the Hoboken St. Patricks Day Parade. In anticipation of an event that one year showcased The K-O-Z on his tippy-toes giving a tounge bath to some step ladder with tits at 1:45 PM, we will begin the festivities at 11:00AM for kegs and eggs at Amys apartment. Everyones grandmothers are always welcome. Address- 725 Willow (acroos the street from Rogos) apartment 3D. In the unfortunate event that one will not make it to the pregame, I suggest a 1:00 meeting time at Fin MCools, which is directly across the street from Hobsona where Chad will be DJing all day and Chris Aloi will be bartending. If anyone has any problems or wishes to discuss other options, feel free to voice your opinions and desires at any time before 5:30 Friday. THE HAZE
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 13:04:56 +0000
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