A friend called me crying one day because her boyfriend had left her for another woman. I couldn’t understand why she was devastated. “You want to be with a guy who loves you as much as you love him, right? Someone who would never do this to you, correct? And this guy obviously doesn’t fit those criteria, so why are you sad?” It made no sense. At least not to me. It was clear, right there and then, that my view on emotions is very different from other people’s. I view emotions as the potholes on an otherwise smooth path toward euphoria, while my friends celebrate (yet complain about) the ups and downs of their emotional roller coasters. I’m not a mean, coldhearted or unsympathetic individual, mind you; I simply trace back the origin of the pain we feel and, if it’s self-inflicted—which it almost always is—I say, “If it hurts when you pinch yourself, stop pinching yourself!” My friends know me very well, by the way, so when they come to me for guidance they actually expect this kind of a reality check. I can understand, however, how or why my comment would seem brutal to an outsider. It wasnt necessarily easy for me to be so direct with her (Ive had my heart broken too many times before, I know exactly how badly it hurts), but she came to me not wanting sympathy or a shoulder to cry on (she was actually sick of crying and wanted to move on)... hence the boot camp approach. When a friend needs a shoulder, I provide a shoulder, but when they need this, its in my back pocket ready to go! I was taught that feelings naturally come and go (like clouds in the sky), whereas emotions are feelings with a story attached to them. Those emotions can last for as long as we keep feeding the story, and this can go on for years. So when people FEEL sad, I understand, but when they EMOTE sad, I get very confused. Buddhism teaches us that if we get attached to impermanent things (and feelings are a perfect example of things that are impermanent), then our lives will be full of anguish. But if we live each moment without getting attached to it, then we can eliminate the very cause of suffering right there and then, and joyfully live our lives. As soon as I started studying the Buddha’s teaching I thought, “Now THIS makes sense! It’s absolutely brilliant!” Although it makes logical sense, it also takes years of retraining the mind to see things this way (especially in the heat of the moment). We all feel sad sometimes, or hurt, angry, excited, anxious, even blissful, but it never lasts for very long, and that’s okay. When one feeling passes, another feeling will replace it. It’s natural to feel disappointed when things don’t work out as you had hoped, but the only natural response when that happens is to move on. Difficult as it may sometimes seem, it’s still easier than trying to cling to what is no longer there! All you can do is remind yourself to let go.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Feb 2014 04:00:00 +0000