A long time ago i wrote this note, just want to share it again: For a few years now i have been arguing and fighting a demon inside me. A demon that makes facing my fears like climbing a wall that reaches....well...to infinity. That makes it seem like i am going no where. It clogs my mind like a flood that is never ending. It lights my body on fire til it burns me down. It is a hard thing to live and deal with. It makes living my life normal, the biggest challenge ever. I seem normal to you, yes, i am a happy, friendly, outgoing and a fun person. Normal on the outside, but the inside is a different story. I have nerves that are like a stream of gasoline. When something happens that i feel socially uncomfortable or excited with a match gets lit, droped and runs down the roads of nerves in my body till every one of them is on fire and i freeze up and cant move. This demon that i have inside me is Anxiety Disorder. I want to share this because i know that some people are dealing with, and want to deal through fears, traumas and are in situations and problems that they want to get out of so badly before the worst can happen. I am open about this to people because I want them and everyone to know that they are not the only ones. Plus i feel good talking about this and am happy to. It is a hard thing to get through something that your mind says you cant get through, and that makes you say to yourself "I will never be able to do that" or "That will never be me." That physicaly, emotionaly and mentaly affects you. It is a hell, but you can make it into a heaven. Only if you believe in yourself. The one thing i know now that i have to do is stop telling myself that i cant, i will never, i wont, i am not able to, i could not, i wont, i will not...you get my point. Get the negativity out of your system and kick it far away to the moon. or further if you want. Open the door in your mind of positivity and let it run through your brain and embrace it with wide open arms, hold on to it and never let it go. I mention the brain because that where the demon lives. Especially in me. The brain is a very sensitive organ in the body and what runs your thoughts which leads to what you do and what your actions are, and can be. If your brain is positive you will do positive things, if its negative you will do negative things. Channel it to a positive energy and you will do great things. You will thank yourself later when you suddenly find yourself in a place in life that you never thought you could be. Keep that in mind. Your heart is the compass to the body. It sails your ship down the sea of life and where you belong in it. It guides your body in the right direction and pulls you back if it feels like you should be going down another road or path in life. Follow that organ in your body because the brain will trick you. The brain is sensitive, the heart (alough as sensitive as it has been brought to believe) is strong and will never trick you. It knows what is right for you. Listen to it, talk to it and it will do the same. Seek help as well, when nothing you are doing is helping. They can help you figure out a way to get to where you want to be. someone is always out in the world to help you and never feel embarassed to do so. You are doing the smart thing. Something that people think are for the weak, when truley it is for the strong and dedicated souls that want to get better. whether it is a therapist, phsycology, rehab, doctor or even a trustworthy friend, family or loved one. Go! because it will help you. It has with me. No one can fix you though, only you can fix yourself. They are just their to encourage and give you tips and ways to make yourself better. My anxiety is something that i find hard to cope with, and get through but i am laying one brick at a time to get through it. everytime you pick up the brick to lay it down, it is you making a step and a decision to make your way up in life. the mortar is securing your action and the decision you made. If you have to stop and take a break for a while. do so. you will slowly get their with time. but, at the same time dont always stick to your comfort levels, break through it and push yourself sometimes. Face your fears to make you stronger. It will benifit you. Because every time you face your fears you learn to love it and will not fear it anymore. I have often wished that i was someone else. But i cant wish that anymore, i am who i am, and i was born the way i am for a reason. Everyone was born for a reason. I believe in the Biddhist way of life that everyone was put on this earth to complete a certain task. My task, i think is to get through this. My anxiety. It is what i know will bring peace to me in the end. My life is my life and what i can do for myself to get through this will make the world around me and the people around me a better place to live in throughout my life. I CAN do this and I WILL do this. I will beat this demon to the death so i dont have to live with it controling me like a remote control car anymore. I cannot be its home anymore. That is it. It is simple but picking up that sword, making that decision and to act upon it is hard for some people. for me, I want to pick up that sword and run into that battle with hope and courage and win. Because in the end i want that recognition.
Posted on: Thu, 13 Jun 2013 21:22:09 +0000
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