A year ago today we had to say our final goodbye to my father...I remember his last few days and moments as if they all happened yesterday. I have replayed them over and over again in my mind; searching for what could have been different. I thought I was prepared for this goodbye, after all, I had been preparing for a year since his diagnosis. We knew the cancer was terminal....but nothing could have prepared us for the last week of his life. I remember the conversation with his oncologist 9 days before he passed and my plea to know how much time he had left to ensure I could be by his side at the end. I remember the conversation with my younger sister as I was waiting to board my flight back home and how desperate she felt because of his pain and that no amount of medicine was helping him. I remember the look on his face when I surprised him the next morning at the hospital...a look of surprise tainted with relief as if he knew if I was there it must surely be the end. The long days and endless nights that followed where he was in and out of conciseness, where he had moments of complete clarity and others were it was as if his soul had already left his body. In the fleeing moments in which he had mental clarity he was right on. I will never forget how his face lit up when I told him his sisters and mother were arranging to come see him and how quickly the joy turned to anguish of how to hold on until they could arrive. I remember his last night in the hospital and the fiery in him to go home, how hard he tried to leave and how my sister and did everything we could to contain him. The hospital staff telling us all they could do was give him more pain meds and restrain him to the bed. Refusing to see him tied down to the bed we spent the night trying to keep him calm, fighting his attempts to leave and trying to keep him safe as his motor skills and bodily functions were all rapidly declining. I remember his move home on hospice and the agony of his every breath as he fought long and hard to hold on to life for just a few more hours. I remember the inhuman sounds his lungs were making and the hopelessness we all felt not knowing how to comfort him. I held his hand and told him everyone had arrived, his mother, his sisters and that he could let go now...that we would all be ok. I prayed aloud to the holy spirit asking for mercy and to take him to end the suffering. Moments later he took his last and final breath and that breath and that final moment was full a calming peace. I remember the quick realization that he was gone that the body before us was empty that he was no longer there… We were all filled with emptiness. Emptiness that only time can alleviate. Over the last year I have felt him close many times, on holidays and birthdays, happy days and sad days. He lives on in our hearts, our thoughts and our actions. Today in remembrance for his passing I want to tell all my friends and family that you are dear to me and loved. Please hug your loved ones tight and never take the day to day for granted. RIP Pai you are forever loved and forever in our hearts.
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 17:31:46 +0000
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