ASK OFFICER FRIENDLY? Sally asks: When did you know that you wanted to be a police officer? Thats an interesting story Sally, and in order to tell it Ill have to take you way back to when I was a young boy and had to pee really, really bad one day. I was a small child when I realized I wanted to be a police officer one day. Naturally, having a father who was a cop certainly helped that dream along. My dad stood 6 feet 5 inches tall and was an imposing, impressive sight in uniform. It was nothing short of hero worship for me. In order to properly convey how it sometimes felt to me as a young boy when I saw him, especially when it was a surprise sighting, standing so ramrod straight and looking so magnificent in that pressed uniform, I thought I’d tell a tale about one of those surprises, just to give you some context. I was only about 4 ½ or 5-years-old, and if you know anything about little boys you might remember that God has an interesting way of making sure all the equipment is functioning properly. So, as a little boy, when you had a matter on your bladder sometimes youd get a raging stiffy. This presents a logistical problem for a short little munchkin when the edge of the toilet is pretty close to waist level and your little unit is pointing pretty much straight up but your target is pretty much straight down. So the trick is, bend that rigid missile downward without kinking the hose and shutting off the flow. A step stool helps a little bit, but in any case you have to bend at the waist and simultaneously use one or sometimes both hands to bend that meat torpedo downward, assuming some strange bathroom yoga position (downward facing phallus?). Anyhow, there I was contorted in that impossible position with my two tiny thumbs pressing my....ahem....my SELF down in to the toilet bowl, managing to just clear the back rim with a stream of pee coming out at about 1200 psi when I got the strangest feeling that someone was watching me. I turned my head towards the door of the bathroom, which was standing open, and there was my dad watching me, giggling. He was in full uniform, having just come home from work. He looked magnificent! I wanted to tell him right then and there how I hoped I could be a policeman one day when I grew up, how I wanted to be just like him, but it really wasnt the right time. I had other things going on that were more pressing. Not only that, being witnessed in the pickle with my pickle I was in was pretty embarrassing. Uniform or not, I wasnt too pleased with my dad watching me try to pee, much less laughing at me. To make matters worse, my dad called for my mom to come and witness the spectacle as well. Within seconds there she was, the cop’s wife, probably as proud to be married to that magnificent man as I was to be his son. That was all fine and well, but I couldnt afford to think about that sort of thing at that moment, and now I had double the embarrassment because mom was watching and giggling at me too! To announce my protest at the intrusion on my bathroom privacy and the ridicule, I indignantly yelled HEY!!! emphatically just as my thumbs slipped off of that spring-loaded pocket rocket, which duly snapped back to its upward facing natural orientation in a nanosecond, and with perfect precision redirected that 1200 psi pee stream right to the roof of my mouth. So that HEY!!! actually came out more like HEYYYDFGHFPHPRGRBLMPHPHHHH! Mom and dad’s laughter went out of control. Anyhow, my dad looked magnificent in that uniform and I knew right then that I wanted to be a cop, just like him.
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 20:49:06 +0000
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