According to some my most powerful spiritual teachers all this negativity is of great benefit. Personally some of my best music has been recorded in passionate response to these appearances, honest expression of the emotions that these perceptions create. Maybe the awkward feeling in my lower back is the feeling of my kidneys secreting the hormones I need to deal with this. Maybe I just need a massage. I have a selfish side, I have a greedy side, I have a side that is scared that it won’t have enough. Perhaps I should have more compassion for the selfish, greedy and scared aspects of these bankers and politicians. I get more angry because my shame at this side made me over-compensate in the past, running from situations that would make me money, failing to ask or demand that I get paid well for my work, refusing to accept benefits when I was entitled to. I made sacrifices and I suffered so that people would not ever call me selfish, or greedy. I lived undesirable lifestyles with career activists. People called me brave but I was always scared. A radio DJ called me a ‘local Bristol legend’ on air on a day when I didn’t know whose couch I would sleep on. Legendary status is not necessarily the same as “rich and famous” apparently. I do not think I am better than other people, that’s impossible, my self-esteem issues actually mean that some days I think I am worse even though that’s not possible either. I do not think that I am ‘more spiritual’. I am just more interested (and/or obsessed) with spirituality and in the modern western world that is basically a hindrance more than a help. This is something that I am sometimes bitter about. So these bankers and politicians have done a better job at securing a better financial future for themselves and their families? By being less afraid of being seen as greedy or being seen as selfish? I’m still afraid. I’m writing this now scared that I will be misunderstood, “everybody’s going to think this is my disclaimer for selling out”, ot “this is what Anakin says before he goes dark-side and slaughters the younglings isn’t it?” No, I am who I am, I’m not about to turn to the dark side. But I’m not about to run from it either. This is more Luke in the cave on Dagobah, you chop off the head of the Dark Lord and you see your own face. Perhaps we’d all learn more about each other if we learned more about ourselves. Do not get me wrong. I would still like to smash things occasionally. But I have been in riots and it is in my character to want neither policemen nor the general public to get their heads kicked in. Sometimes I want the bankers and politicians to pay. But the way I want them to pay changes when I remember they are someone’s son or daughter and may be someone’s parent. I want what I think deep down we all want, I want everybody to be happy. It’s impossible, ups and downs are gonna happen. But with all the ups and downs that are inevitable it seems unnecessary that selfishness, greed and fear of lack should lead to more downs for some and more money for others. I don’t think we necessarily have to change the hearts and minds of our politicians. I think we have to change the hearts and minds of our whole society, and inspire the next generation to change politics. But that does not mean to hand over all the responsibility. So perhaps we must all lead by example and change ourselves. And perhaps music is not such a waste of time just cos it’s not making much money, not if it’s changing hearts and minds. Perhaps I’m not the failure I sometimes tell myself I am. Now I am looking my shadow in the face. Perhaps this is an exercise that should be done in private. Perhaps sharing is part of the process of changing hearts and minds. Perhaps sharing is part of the process of facing fear of judgment. Perhaps sharing is just my preference and I am indulging in my strengths, gifts and talents. Perhaps sharing is just indulging in my ego. NOW I am looking my shadow in the face. Am I? What else is hiding under there? I used to rebel against the system, I used to rebel against my parents. Now I want to rebel against my own pre-conceptions of what it means, or meant, to be ‘me’. So be it. Jedi. I wish to look my shadow in the eye and forgive it. Just this once, let me see you with my own eyes.
Posted on: Tue, 04 Nov 2014 22:24:54 +0000