Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin and Keep away From children --Author Unknown Oh, you hate your job? Why didnt you say so? Theres a support group for that. Its called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. --Drew Carey Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like & just give her a house, --Rod Stewart The problem with the designated driver program, its not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. --Jeff Foxworthy Relationships are hard. Its like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they werent trying to teach you how to swim. --Paula Poundstone (My dad taught me how to swim like that and it was a lot easier after I got the cinder blocks untied and got out of the burlap sack.- Dave) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. --Conan OBrien Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? Im halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery I think thats how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. Lets go west. --Richard Jeni If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. --Johnny Carson War is how Americans learn geography. --Winston Churchill My parents didnt want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and thats the law. --Jerry Seinfeld Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower? --Warren Hutcherson Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
Posted on: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 20:32:36 +0000