Almost 30 years ago I witnessed something I wish no one will ever have to go through in there entire life. Its been trying at times and at times its been downright unbearable. I was hanging out with a friend who I thought was pretty cool and and cool ideas of what fun was and all. We would hangout past sunset, play hide n go seek from our parents, and climb trees. As time went by, a third person joined the party although I wasnt a fan of the company. Turns out I wasnt a fan of much these last nearly 30 years. For what happened next is what made me who I am, something I vowed to change. This third wheel came to play as often as allowed, and while I didnt always like it, I played on but not without hesitation. As time began to go by it seemed that my friend started changing. It wasnt something Id seen before. It sure as hell changed my life. As my friend and I were playing this friend started advancing on the third party, and it didnt stop. It happened right in front of me. This friend was undressed and on top of the third party. Both the third party and I scared as can be we were both quiet, not knowing what to do. When it was finally over, it wasnt. This friend and I started playing again, just us two. Back then we could play with all kinds of toy guns. One of those that my friend had wasnt. A heavy, metal, black gun. I didnt know until years later it was just a beebee gun, but nonetheless it was put to my head. The words, If you say anything, still haunts me to this day. To know that this friend who I looked up to at that time had just raped another human being, pointed a gun to my head and threatened me would make me who I am today, I still wish I wasnt the smallest of us three. I tried to to protect this third party by doing what I could to keep them from coming back and getting hurt again. To this day Im still trying to protect those I feel are in need. To this day, I still have a fear of guns, real, heavy guns. Ive come to not trust certain people based on this and I need to change that. I want to change that. A couple of years ago I tried to begin my own quest to get past this. I failed miserably. I was so ready, filled with positive thoughts moving forward, i was wanting to and needing to get past this. Just one problem, I was not prepared for any drawbacks. I didnt handle it well at all. Lost my composure as the pain set in quickly. When I tried talking about it, I couldnt get the words out, just like the past 26 years. Ive hinted and tried to talk about it again, each time growing more frustrated. I was scared to talk. Scared to sleep. Scared to fail. Its taken two years to finally break free of the devils hounds. This is the last of those barriers holding me back. Ive completed therapy. Ive lost and gained important people in my life, none more than the one I hurt most. Im sorry I couldnt get the words out. It hasnt been easy. Ive made poor decisions, for which I sincerely apologize for. For this reason, I will fight harder than ever to get past this, fighting harder to break the chains that hold me back, that try to keep locked in a deep dark place. I will be a better person, because i refuse to give up. I apologize to Colleen and her family, Lori Prentice Manning, John Manning, Melissa Valenzuela, Greg Valenzuela, Matt Richardson, Dave Richardson, Gary Prentice, Annette Prentice, The Durham Family, Andra and Jeff, Lora Rinehart, and the Prothe Family. I never meant to hurt anybody but I needed to make this change, to get past it, and become the person I was needing to be. I am sorry.
Posted on: Sat, 25 Oct 2014 20:47:16 +0000