Apologizing to your girlfriend. Most men don’t know how to apologize to their Girlfriends. In intimate relationships an effective apology can quickly heal an inadvertent injury. Similarly, an ineffective apology or the complete failure of an apology can cause an inadvertent injury to be experienced as a major wound to the relationship. For women, apologizing is a way of reconnecting with someone whose feelings you have hurt, however unintentional. When a woman gets feedback that something she has done or failed to do has left another feeling offended or injured, she is usually quick to apologize. A breach in the relationship is avoided and the relationship continues undisturbed. For men apologies are very different. Men tend to view apologies as humiliating and a loss of face. Verbal communication is tied up with their concern for the way their status is perceived by others. Men are more conscious of the impact of what they say, how others perceive their power position or lack of power. So for a man to acknowledge that he has done something wrong often means that he feels diminished in the eyes of those who hear the apology. Thus a woman apologizes to maintain healthy relationships and feels no sense of loss. The result of this difference is that men are reluctant to apologize and in many cases, do not know how to craft a sincere apology. It appears that in most modern marriages it is the woman who is angry at her mate more often than the reverse. Women express anger at their husband’s sins of commission as well as sins of omission. And the most common sin of omission is his failure to apologize when he has offended. So here is a brief guide for men on how to apologize. 1. Think about your apology and really get to the bottom of the problem. Anyone can say they are sorry, but not everyone can mean it and back it up with a solution. Be aware that your girlfriend might expect you to think about your actions and/or words for a while before apologizing to her. Before you issue your apology, have solid answers about: Why you did what you did, or said what you said, to upset her. What aspect of your personality that comes from. How you plan on fixing it so that neither you nor your girlfriend will have to go through the pain again. 2. If she asks you to leave, tell her you want to apologize. Tell her you really want to fix this and get your relationship back on track. Don’t yell or talk over her; you may frighten her and make things worse. If she seems really upset and doesn’t want to handle your apology right now, leave. Ask her if you can give her a call in a couple days. 3. Acknowledge the Wrongful Act You need to begin by saying ” I was wrong and I am sorry.” There are no substitutes for this admission. If you say something dumb like “I am sorry that you think I was wrong,” you might as well spare yourself and not bother. There is no getting around it. You were wrong so plead guilty and get on with it. 4. Acknowledge that You Have Hurt her Feelings. Understand that your wrongful act has hurt her feelings and made her feel disconnected from you. You cannot reconnect without attending to the feelings piece. So you say “I was wrong and I am sorry that I have hurt your feelings” Once again, you cannot wimp out by fudging and saying ” I am sorry that your feelings are hurt” You have to connect your wrongful act to her hurt feelings. 5. Express Your Remorse An expression of remorse and regret is the way you demonstrate your ability to feel an appropriate response to her hurt feelings. So you say, “I was wrong and I am sorry that I hurt your feelings and I feel terrible that I have done something that has hurt you.” (It will help here if you actually look remorseful)  6. State Your Intention Not to Repeat This may be difficult particularly if you are a repeat offender but it is an expression of your acknowledgement of your need to reform. “I know that I am sometimes insensitive to what you need but I am going to try my hardest not to do it again.” If you smirk at this juncture you’re going to have to go back and start all over. 7. Offer to Make Amends If you don’t know what would help ask her. “What can I do to make it up to you?” The particular act of contrition may be negotiated but the important thing is to express your willingness to do something by way of compensation. Of course, once you commit to do something you need to do it lest you render the entire effort useless. 8. Seek Forgiveness Forgiving is an act that liberates the forgiver from anger so seeking forgiveness is not as self-serving as you may think. A simple “will you forgive me?” will usually suffice but if you want to avoid appearing presumptuous, or if your offense was particularly odious, you might want to first ask “can you forgive me?
Posted on: Thu, 05 Jun 2014 05:32:00 +0000
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