As a pastor I feel often like Im saying what Im supposed to or approved to say. Not that my church forces me too or Im legally bound, but because I bind myself. Sure I might say something provocative or admit I struggle but Im still saying it in an approved sanitized way. Its because often i have a fear of audiences especially in our American christian culture. The christian audience, the conservative audience,calvinist,arminean,progressive,family friendly etc.I believe we as American Christians have our images we want to portray, our views and stances that are accepted and stamped. Even what we argue over and how we argue is part of a tribe we belong too or script most often. Getting nervous when someone doesnt follow it. Even with friends that want nothing to do with God I find sometimes my laughter is empty and opinions hollow. Carrying a fear of opinion or rejection. We do and say certain because if we acted completely genuine with our tempers and frustrations, weaknesses and failings many people would reject or cast us out for not meeting a standard of Christianity weve set in our country. Even now Im writing this hoping its articulate enough wondering what will be picked apart. The truth is your pastor doesnt want to be a pastor all the time. I dont always say the approved political view. I get furious with God and question things, hell I question everything. Im impatient with my son and dont always love my wife well and I sometimes want to yell at people who just cant get their crap together out of self righteousness. I have the same moments where I want to put my fist through a wall or believe I deserve better than everything I have. Depressed, angry,miserable or just filled with hate. Ive screamed profanities because someone I know was assaulted or killed. Yet hear I am sitting in my car and deep in my soul I still ask myself the question do I still believe in Jesus? In the faintest whisper echoing back I hearyes,always followed by you are loved . How beautiful to know Im loved and accepted even in my mess even in my crap and baggage. And I guess Im writing this to invite you to throw away the scripts. Throw away the images and culuturally mandated roles. Show the world a broken and loved soul who is wrestling through this life with a light shining from in. Be who you really are to those you really care about.Im a pastor, but Im not Jesus and Ill never be him, Im just a man who wants to be like him.
Posted on: Fri, 24 Oct 2014 05:09:06 +0000
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