As the reality of the severity of my illness descends heavily upon me, I am suddenly riddled with feelings of fear and despair. I am wondering what is it about my psyche that believes, on a deeply subconscious level, that I deserve to have an incurable, progressively debilitating illness to consume me? And I have no real answers. The foregone expectation of this illness will find me being kept alive by a machine that will keep me breathing, because my lungs wouldnt be able to do it on its own. My arms and legs immobilised because my muscles would be too weak to move them on their own. And my eyes closed because I wouldnt have the strength to keep my eyelids open, even though I may still be able to see if I could open them. And the frightening thing is that, as in almost every case of this illness, I would expect that to happen within just a few short years. It is ironic indeed that I am an Applied Psychologist whos studying the subconscious, when I have yet to understand my own. Why indeed do I think, on an unconscious level, that I deserve to die? This is the ultimate form of self-sabotage. And as a practising psychologist, I dont know how to tell my body to just stop it and fight! How do I tell my body that I want to live when clearly my psyche believes otherwise? How many times do I surrender to God before God finally gives me an answer? Every day I wake up is one more day to be grateful for all that is good and working in my life. Every day I wake up is a reminder that God wants me alive and that I must have faith in Gods plan for me. Every day I wake up is a hope that I am able to get the opportunity to enjoy what I have and to appreciate the beauty in all that surrounds me. Every day I wake up I have the choice to love or forgive or have compassion for or to be kind to someone who isnt so nice to me. Every day I wake up is a chance to clean up my messes and salvage what I have with the people Ive wronged. Every day I wake up is a chance that I may open my eyes and really see the people in my world. And sometimes, like today, I wake up just being so happy to be alive and to spend this one day being present to the happiness of sharing my life with the very people I see and interact with. The nurses. My numerous doctors. My family. My friends, distant, near and online. People who love me. People who hate me. People I have made angry. People I have made happy. My maids. My chicken rice uncle. My nasi campur pakcik. My fruit man. My teachers. My healers. My students. My staff. My clients. My cats food supplier. My apt buildings security and reception staff. Restaurant waitstaff. Gosh! So many people! And when I realise that Im still alive to appreciate all these and then some... well then, everything else just doesnt matter so much anymore. Everything sort of fades away and I am left with this moment where I can make right my wrongs or create something new and wonderful for myself and others. Now, what could be better than that? I couldnt possibly find anything else to ask for. And yet, and yet, I have this illness that by definition is killing me slowly. I dont know what to do stop it. And so, at this moment, I can only surrender. I surrender to God and trust that God indeed has a plan for me. And just for this moment, I am no longer afraid or anxious... But only for just this moment... Thank you, God. Alhamdulillah. Ameen...
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 06:21:42 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015