*****Because the link wasnt working for some of you, here is the text of the new blog post for you to read****** “Feeling” is not a bad wordBy: Adam Shatarsky, [email protected] There is a stigma within our military that if you are dealing with something, you suffer in silence. Whether it’s something that has happened on a deployment or something at has happened at home, you are meant to do your job and do it to the best of your ability, regardless of how much you’re suffering. Instant obedience to orders – it saves lives. “Feeling” is something you do later – on “your own time.” And for many of us “your own time” is right now. And instead of listing resources or places that offer help, I wanted to share what I deal with on a daily basis in the hopes that you too can share what you’re going through. Putting the emotions that you encounter out in the world for people to read and feel is the first step. People will listen and they will help – just have to let them. When I got out of the Marine Corps I was wide eyed and bushy tailed. I felt so many emotions about what I was going to do with my life and what path I was going to walk take. I wanted to try so many things. I went to Alaska for a summer and worked at a fishing lodge because I knew how much I loved the outdoors. I was fishing every day and enjoying the fact that I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I was living the “life” I wanted, but as the summer wore on, the reality for me set in. I was no longer an Active Duty Marine and the people around me didn’t understand what it was like to share in the brotherhood that is the United States Marine Corps. To share the true meaning of what it is to rely on someone and to truly trust them with your life. So like many others facing the same struggle, I didn’t talk about it. I chose to bottle everything up inside of me. I chose to push everyone close to me away. I thought I was tough enough to handle it on my own, but to be honest, I couldn’t handle it. So what did I do? I went searching for something, anything that would fill that void inside of me. I just wanted to run as far as I possibly could from everything that I was feeling. Depression consumed me and created an attitude that I was alone. I thought no one could possibly understand how I felt to have something that meant the world to me taken away as fast I received it. I continued to run, but at a much harder and much faster pace. I ran so hard that I couldn’t even see in the distance any familiarity of my own life. I ran out of a marriage for many reasons. I kept the laces tied up tighter than before and kept going at a sprinters pace – not understanding the wake I was leaving behind me because I was to selfish to recognize anything other than my own struggles. And because of my selfishness, I paid for it dearly. During my dark struggles, I met someone – a beautiful, caring, compassionate woman who understood me. Who understood my faults and weaknesses. She related to what I was going through because her own struggles were very real and tangible. She took care of me when I needed it and kicked me in the pants when it was warranted. She wanted nothing more than the man she knew I could be. I felt grounded. I felt at home with her. It was the first time in a very long time that I could actually sleep. I felt safe. I felt alive. I was smiling ear-to-ear nonstop. One day, as I’m very capable of doing, I started sabotaging myself. My insecurities slowly crept back and started destroying the foundation that she gave me. My home was being chipped away piece-by-piece because of my own doing. Instead of trusting that she would listen to me, I did the opposite. I put on my shoes again and started looking for a way to belong to something bigger – not fully understanding that I was where I belonged. So…I ran. This is the first time I myself have talked publicly about this. To be honest, I’m very nervous as I type it. I feel that if I just voiced what I felt at the time I was going through these things I would have been more rooted. Do I still struggle with these things? Yes, and probably always will. However, I’m tired of running – running from the people and things that have been there to listen all along. Being in the United States Marine Corps was one of the proudest moments of my life. It gave me such a sense of belonging and a code to live by. It gave me structure and a feeling of I can accomplish all things if I just put my mind to it. However, I’ve realized that that passion is still in me. That passion doesn’t go away. It is now engrained into the fiber of my being. And as I finish typing this I realize it’s time I put the shoes in the back of the closet. It’s time I embrace that I’m not alone. It’s time that I express my feelings and show the world and my fellow brothers and sisters that we all have that passion still inside each of us and that feeling isn’t such a bad thing after all.
Posted on: Mon, 09 Jun 2014 22:23:34 +0000
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