Breaking! Teabaggers an Al Qaeda plot! Today, evidence was uncovered of strong connections between the tea bagger movement in the United States and the terror group Al Qaeda. We dont have to terrorize you, spawn of Satan! First of all youre already scared out of your wits, and secondly youre doing a great job of terrorizing yourself! This is a recent quote from the sub-Under-Secretary-chief of operations and supreme-terror-outpourer Haafwit Hul-Igan, reached at his office under a scrubby palm tree near Sanaa, Yemen. Mr. Hul-Igan was unstinting in his praise of the militia movement in the United States, and of the teabagger movement. There are some of our best workers right there in the United States; we dont need sleeper cells, or Manchurian candidates, as you call them; you grow them yourself, and in such abundance too! And the nice thing about it is they are cheap and easily manipulated. Look at our recent airplane attack against that bastion of imperialism, the IRS! We didnt have to spend a thing! Now thats cost-effective! And meanwhile, your economy is going down the toilet from the money you waste in two useless wars, at the same time that you are helping us to recruit some of our best operatives! Why, just that video of those idiots shooting those people in the street in Iraq has already brought us hundreds of new recruits! When asked why he wants to kill Americans, Mr. Hul-Igan reacted with dismay. Kill? Who wants to kill anybody? We just want to terrorize you, not kill you! Besides, our sponsors at Halliburton have told us they dont want to lose too many consumers, so they set a strict quota on how many of you we can kill. And youre doing such a good job yourselves, what with the shooting rampages that your very well armed citizens perform, that we dont really have to lift a finger. Mr. Hul-Igan was also effusive in his compliments of the well armed citizens of the United States who show up at political rallies armed to the teeth. Its only a matter of time before one of them snaps, and we will have terrorized you again successfully. You see, youre doing such a good job of terrorizing yourselves that all we have to do is give you a gentle nudge in the right direction, and our job is done without putting any of us in danger. When asked about the underwear bomber who tried to bring down an airplane on Christmas day using an explosive called PETN, Mr. Hul-Igan was shocked. PETN? We dont allow petn in this country; we prosecute people for kissing, why do you think we would allow petn? We dont even have drive-ins. Besides, now that cars all have bucket seats instead of bench seats, that kind of thing has gone out of fashion.
Posted on: Fri, 22 Nov 2013 03:49:17 +0000
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