++CORONER & CORONER’s ASSISTANT SCENE++ by Gabriel, Brandon, and Jimmol CORONER OK, describe what you see. CORONER’S ASST. Multiple contusions, trauma to the head, fractured skull. CORONER Consistent with? CORONER’S ASST. Falls, slipping, hits his head on… table? CORONER (lean in) What are these shards of—is that glass? CORONER’S ASST. Must have been he was having a drink of water when he fell. CORONER Uh… That seems unlikely, wouldn’t he have cuts on his mouth or his hands? CORONER’S ASST. Oh wait, I know. He was drinking a glass of water, spilled it, slipped on it, and as he fell the water glass went behind his head, like this (demonstrates crazily) CORONER But these shards are blue. CORONER’S ASST. The water cup must have been blue— CORONER Well— CORONER’S ASST. Wait, water’s blue! CORONER Water’s clear, it’s not blue. CORONER’S ASST. That’s impossible. CORONER It’s true. CORONER’S ASST. I can’t believe it. CORONER I don’t know how to convince you. You’re a scientist. CORONER’S ASST. So what’s your explanation? CORONER I don’t think he slipped. The contusions are at the top of his head. CORONER’S ASST. So? CORONER You… can’t… fall on the top of your head. CORONER’S ASST. You can if you’re upside down! CORONER Why would he be upside down? CORONER’S ASST. Um… must have been relaxing. CORONER Relaxing. Upside down. Drinking a cup of water. CORONER’S ASST. Right. CORONER Upside down. Is the water upside down, too? CORONER’S ASST. (long pause, shrugs) Ummm… CORONER I think we can safely agree that this man did not fall from an upside down position with grafity-defying water. CORONER’S ASST. Then what’s your explanation? CORONER The contusion seems to have come from a downward blow. CORONER’S ASST. He bashed himself on the head! CORONER NO— CORONER’S ASST. He picked up a water glass, drank it, and started bashing himself! To death! Until the glass broke! CORONER No one— CORONER’S ASST. It’s suicide! CORONER It isn’t. CORONER’S ASST. Yes, he repeatedly bashed himself to death. CORONER Why? CORONER’S ASST. The taste of the water! CORONER What— CORONER’S ASST. Have you tasted the water at this hospital, its awful. CORONER HE DID NOT COMMIT SUICIDE! CORONER’S ASST. Then what’s your explanation? CORONER He was hit. He was bashed. He didn’t do the bashing. CORONER’S ASST. I can’t believe it. KYLIE/DAVID arrive outside the door KYLIE Hello? I’m Kylie…I’m here to make sure that this isn’t my father, I mean, my uncle. CORONER Come on in. And who are you? DAVID I’m David…I’m her brother. CORONER Prepare yourself. Sometimes people can be very shocked. CORONER’S ASST Hope you’re not squeamish!! (in a hype tone, unzipping body bag) KYLIE (moves in, pause) Oh my God. DAVID leans back, runs his fingers through hair CORONER Please take your time – CORONER’S ASST. Let’s ask her. CORONER Ask her what? CORONER’S ASST. Which theory she thinks is right? CORONER Yours isn’t a theory. It’s a joke. CORONER’S ASST No, it’s SUICIDE, and I’ll PROVE IT TO YOU. CORONER I’m sorry, miss, you should leave. CORONER’S ASST Hold up! Your uncle just killed himself, you want to know how, right? KYLIE He killed himself?? CORONER That’s enough! CORONER’S ASST Allow me to demonstrate. (starts to grab Uncle Paulie’s body) CORONER DON’T – touch that body. CORONER’S ASST (pulls out skeleton) So, I believe the victim was upside down during impact. KYLIE Why, doctor? CORONER He’s not a doctor. CORONER’S ASST. Excuse me, whose turn is it? As I was saying ma’am, he was upside down, drinking an awful glass of water – have you tasted the water here, ma’am? KYLIE I--- CORONER’S ASST It’s awful. SO awful – that he actually thought that life wasn’t worth living anymore, he loosens his grip on whatever he’s hanging on to, and – OOOPS---(drops skeleton) – Dead. KYLIE Oh, God. CORONER Stop!! Ma’am, I’m sorry for the pain this may have caused you. Thank you for your help. We’ll get to the bottom of this… CORONER’S ASST I just explained it. But – I suppose you want me to tell her YOUR theory? CORONER No, I want you to turn in your – CORONER’S ASST OK, hold this. (hands Kylie the skull, she takes it in shock) According to him, he’s standing up, drinking water, for some insane reason - who drinks water standing up – and then some RANDOM person walks in – (points to David) sir, can you come over here - grabs the glass out of his hand (moves David’s hand toward the skull Kylie is holding) – raises it over his head – DAVID What are you doing? CORONER’S ASST You’re gonna kill him. DAVID I’m not doing this. CORONER’S ASST Why – it’s not like you actually did it. DAVID Um --- CORONER’S ASST Never mind, I’ll do it. This random person grabs the glass, and viciously, brutally bashes his skull in!!! (demonstrating) DAVID That’s enough! Look, Kylie, I did it. KYLIE What? Did what? DAVID I killed your father…I mean, our uncle. CORONER’S ASST Wow. I didn’t see that coming. (long pause) But why did you hang him upside-down? DAVID I DIDN’T. Kylie, it was an accident – I didn’t mean to hurt him – I didn’t even know it was him… KYLIE I thought I could trust you. I told you to leave this alone, and you promised me you would. You’re a liar and a bastard, and you’re no brother of mine. (Kylie storms out) DAVID (following) Kylie, please listen – CORONER’S ASST (zipping up the body bag) Well, all’s well that ends well, I guess. CORONER walks over to him and smacks him on the back of the head.
Posted on: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 07:57:58 +0000
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