Can I just say that change is hard? As someone who gets paralyzed and overwhelmed because her OCD wants to change everything at once, instead of doing it step-by-step, day-by-day, taking it piece-by-piece, its hard to tackle one task at a time. I want it all fixed. Now now now. Im impatient. I know these things take time, but theres this weird dynamic where change is occurring simultaneously as failures and slip-ups also happen even in the midst of trying to change. So youre balancing your bad habits with change and trying to let change overcome. Its a tough game to play. Balancing self-acceptance with change is not an easy feat, either. I devour concepts I read about and study such as mindfulness, being in the here-and-now, Gods grace and infinite patience with ME, but its hard for me to put these concepts into practice because my personality is so opposite these things that are crucial for personal growth. I am a neurotic control freak and always in a hurry when I dont even know what Im hurrying to. Its ridiculous and I know it, but its hard to stop the way your brain is naturally wired. Some days it feels futile to even try. I say to people sometimes, Im working on it but then, on days when I lack motivation (which are many) I feel like, am I REALLY? and then I get worked up into a self-defeating cycle of despair, which further perpetuates lack of motivation. To paraphrase Paul in the New Testament, I guess I can say - who will save me from this vicious cycle? Thanks be to God, it is through Christ, who has already overcome. I dont usually quote popular verses that are sometimes used so flippantly, but Philippians 4:13 is going to be my motto for the week: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 02:09:54 +0000
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