Carson had his Drs appointment today and the only way I can describe how Im feeling is crushed. Im just crushed. I thought we were going to go in and blow these doctors away and we end up being told that he needs to be re-admitted. His sodium levels are extremely low, to the point that they worried about seizures, and his X-ray looks worse. But HOW?! He is doing so well, breathing better than ever yet his lungs look worse?! The good news is, his echo looked better. His veins are doing great, but there is no way I am leaving Carson in this place again to get yet another infection unless I HAVE to. The doctor was not thrilled but hes letting us go with a sodium supplement for his feeds and I have to take Carson for labs in Douglasville on Friday and if nothing has changed we will have no choice but to have him admitted. This all just makes no since to me, according to these tests he should be worse but hes better. Hes happier than ever. It just goes to show how easily he can be crashing with no symptoms at all. And its scary. This has shaken me. I hadnt realized just how attached to Carson I am. Obviously hes my son and I love him but it wasnt until they threatened to take him away from me again that I REALLY realized how much I need HIM. I need him much more than he needs me. He is so tough, even with all of this going on he smiles and thrives and it humbles me. I am distraught and Im tired and I was so hoping for good news and astonished doctors. Instead, they more or less got to say told ya so, hes not going to live. The most important thing for me is to keep him healthy enough to stay home. If he goes back into that hospital I dont think he will make it out. His body cant handle another infection. Somedays I just feel like Im drowning and today is one of those days that I just cant seem to get my head above the water. Im so stressed that Im being vicious to poor Omar and I just want to punch something as hard as I can. I almost want to say Im ready for this to be done but I know what that means and Im not ready for that. Im just ready for stable. Stable health, stable relationship with my husband and a stable life. I want to feel safe and fearless again, but Im crippled with fear on a daily basis. The fear of losing everything I love or the fear of Carson ALWAYS being completely handicapped and dependent. I dont want that for him. No one wants that for their child and it sucks. It just SUCKS. Please excuse my pitty party, Im in the process of picking myself up and coming to terms with all of this. Praying these sodium supplements turn things around and that when we get labs on Friday they will at least be somewhat better and we dont have admit my boy. That is my prayer for now, its always something different, but its constantly that people are seeing God in Carsons eyes and that he is not here in vain. God has a purpose. God has a purpose. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10 Ps. Ill post a pre doctor picture in a minute! -Kelley ❤️
Posted on: Wed, 03 Dec 2014 23:50:39 +0000
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