"...Certain events can sometimes push a friendship out of bounds and into the realm of open enemy, as though the initial bonding was more like a meeting of near enemies who just needed the ignition of a single ill happening to affirm the destruction of the “friendship.” I wonder how many enemies I have out there…people who don’t like me because they believe I wronged them somehow? I can’t think of anyone who I would consider to be my enemy, but have certainly encountered people who I’ve had no interest in getting to know better, while others I’ve found to be plain annoying. The people who fall into these categories are the ones who try really hard to suppress their anger by being extra nice. They come off as being fake—and difficult to trust. Note: There are humans out there who are genetically predisposed to have naturally happy personalities. That’s a different quality from what I’m articulating here. But it’s the annoying ones who actually become my teachers. They provide me with an opportunity to see where I’m stuck. It’s through them that I find out where I’m being judgmental, or justifying a sense of self-importance by believing that on some level, I’m more clever than they are. So I get to meet the enemy, only to discover that the enemy is me. I meet the friend and find that he is me, too. When I learn how to befriend myself, I can better see my confusion: blaming someone else and thinking it would make me happy. The flip side of a disingenuous “happy” person is a dark shadow that hasn’t been befriended—our own best enemy is right in the center of our hearts that we haven’t become intimate with. Inevitably, the monster surfaces. I’ve unleashed this monster in the past by pushing away or attacking everything I was afraid of. Back then I would let the Kraken sabotage everything good around me. And when everything was dead, I torched the earth for good measure. A Plutonian kind of purification. I eventually grew tired of chasing drama and found that a little more kindness toward myself went a long way. It clicked that if I don’t reinforce thoughts that make me feel unworthy or useless as a human being, I’ll get into a lot less trouble. So how do we cope with frenemies when our backs are up against the wall? Can we take the high road when our egos are being compressed? It’s OK if we’re still angry after all these years. We can even be jealous and timid and feel completely unworthy. The trick for me is finding a way to be OK with all these feelings and, most of all, befriending all parts of myself. Even the ugliest monster who wants to hit back is allowed to feel that way. I’m not here to edit a personality and try to mold myself into the shape of a perfect person. I’m here to accept who I am, flaws and all. My relationship to the outer world begins and ends with me. There’s nothing precious about this relationship. It’s very real and messy..." - Paul Masvidal
Posted on: Mon, 01 Jul 2013 08:57:57 +0000
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