Chapter 116. The next day, ndivuke ndigula a bit. I was feeling weak, had a headache and it felt like I had this huge ball of hair stuck in my throat, so bendinaar. I got out of bed once, to go throw up, ndaphinda ndabuyela. I switched my phone on, ndayijonga. There was a long text from Jay: I dont know how to say this, so I figured I should just text it ngoba I wouldnt have been able to stop the tears if I had said it to you. Uhm, Sindiswa andazi how things got this far and so messed up. I stayed up the whole night ndicinga about what you said and I cant help but feel like I have failed protecting you. I remember sibancinci and you and I were super close ngoba our parents worked long hours. You saw me as your hero. Youd come to me even if umnxwe lu cango and youd want me to hit it so you could feel better. You thought I was the strongest person in the world, You thought I was the best there ever was. And, for a while, bekunjalo. I even began believing it, that Im the best brother ever. But then, sakhula and began drifting apart slowly. Our dad came to the rescue, wasibuyisela and we stuck together again. Andaz kwaphinda kwathini but things got out of hand again, sohlukana futhi. I thought we were still close, but I realise that we werent...not anymore. Maybe, if I had realised it earlier, this wouldnt have happened. I wouldve been able to protect you, Sindiswa, but I failed you. I failed us. And now, I think back to that little girl who made me feel like Im Superman and it makes me cry to know that Im not what I was to you, anymore. It hurts, mntasekhaya, and I wish this whole burden was on me. I wish I could relieve you of it ibe ndim lo whos in your shoes but I cant..no matter how much I pray. I can only pray that God keeps you safe, that He protects you and gives you strength to fight this. I know you can. I also pray that He helps us get closer again. I want to fight for you, I want to be your Superman again, little sister..not because thats what big brothers are for but because it warms my heart to see you proud of me, to see your eyes twinkle (like they used to) when you say: thats my brother! I dont know how to right these wrongs, but ndicela undixolele for not being there for you. I love you, sis wam. I sighed, wiping the tears off my face, but they just seemed to gush down faster. My brother had touched my heart, his message evoking emotions that I thought I no longer could feel. I had the strength to get out of bed, ndaphakama ndaya eroomini yakhe no Olwethu and he was there with uIsipho. I went straight to him, without a word, and hugged him tight..ndikhala. He hugged me back, squeezing me comfortingly and brushed all the way from my hair to my back, then back up again. He kept whispering, Im sorry... Im sorry... in my ear. I had my eyes tightly shut, ndimqinisile... Olwethu walked in, wama kancinci, took Isipho and walked out again, closing behind her. I still didnt let go of Jay. I didnt want to. I suddenly felt like a 3 year old again, ndakhumbula the crying and Jay comforting me. He would steal sweets from my moms car, aphathele mna and watch me eat, abe engatyi yena. He would push me on the swing, and play dolls with me...sometimes borrowing me his cars and other toys. He was always the one person I could rely on, the one person who never let me down...and I needed to let him know that this wasnt his fault. My carelessness and Yamkelas heartlessness wasnt my brothers fault. He did everything he could to protect me. Im the one that broke away, Im the one that pushed him away. When I was finally a bit quiet, he pulled back a little and kissed my forehead. Me: it wasnt you, Jay. It was never you. Him: shhh... Shhh... He was stopping me from talking..from ruining this moment. Him: it doesnt matter whose fault it was...all that matters is that were both here now. I nodded. Him: Im going to stick with you, Sindiswa. Im not letting you go through this alone. Youll push me away all you want, but I am not leaving your side. Ever. Ndizobalapha whenever you need me...even when you dont need me, Ill be there. I let out a weak smile. Him: I love you, mntasekhaya...and I promise you that it will only get better. Me: I dont know, Jason. I dont kn- Him: no need to know. No need to do anything. Ill do it all. Ill be strong for you, hope for you and be there for you. Me: youre the best brother ever. Him: you still think so? Even after everything? After all my failures kule relationship? I nodded. Me: Ive never stopped thinking that youre the best. You just stopped believing in yourself. Him: well, it doesnt matter anymore. Were in the present. All the past mistakes stay there. We can only use them as stepping stones to the future...and dont you worry about falling, little sister, because I will be right by your side, holding your hand. He hugged me again, and I just knew it would all be okay...
Posted on: Tue, 23 Dec 2014 20:32:03 +0000
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