Copying others to “fit in!” Copying others seems to be the number one coping skill that many people with high functioning autism and aspergers use to “fit in.” It can be a very effective tool, if (1) the person has good referencing skills and can accurately imitate those around him, and (2) he does not lose his self identity while doing it. All people, both on and off the spectrum, use ‘copying” (imitation) at times when entering into situations for which they do not know what is expected and how to act. We watch those around us and reference what others are doing. From there we copy and match our actions to be in line with those around us. This is a very effective learning tool. This “copying” strategy can be a very effective social strategy for those on the spectrum, as long as they chose it as a way to “fit in” and co-regulate with others, and not feel invalidated by doing it. Many people on the spectrum have low self esteem and weak self-identities, due to years of trying to “fit in”, but failing. They also have been teased, ridiculed, and bullied for being different. This often leads to poor self esteem and a weak sense of self. For them, constantly copying others is a way of developing an alternative “self”; one that is accepted by others. This can have negative effects, typically resulting in ongoing depression. Also, we need to realize how mentally draining it is for people on the spectrum to use the “copying” strategy. It takes continuously reading what others are doing and then trying to copy, modify and refine their responses. This takes a lot of energy and is very draining. This strategy has to one be one that the child wants to do, and paces how much of it he does. So how do we teach children to successfully use “copying” as an effective tool, while protecting their self identity. I think children need to be taught that we all have differences, some private and some social. We all have our “social self” and our “private self.” These private differences are not bad, but just not meant for everyone to see. When we are out in public we put on our social mask, and take it off when we are at home. That we are not defined by our public mask, but use it to “fit in” with others. We all have certain self stimulatory behaviors, rituals, and fixated interests that we leave at home and those that we feel free with when with family and friends. We can still accept and validate the child’s unique differences, but there is a time and place for all tendencies. We can feel comfortable with this and do not find it invalidating. Many people on the spectrum think that neurotypical people do not have to “copy” and act differently to “fit in’, but we all do to varying degrees. Some of us better at it than others. However, it is not invalidating to use this “coping” strategy to fit in with the group. Actually the better you are with it, the easier socially is. However, once home allow the children to be themselves and express their needs, wants and desires in their own unique ways. We all need to feel free to “be our true selves” when at home and away from the group. This is true for all people, both on and off the spectrum. By doing so we can protect their identity and self esteem. Once the child learns how to observe others to pattern their own behavior, then I recommend teaching children how to use this “referencing” others to effectively read social expectations and “how to act.” We can slowly teach the child “what to look for”, both in reading the expectations of the situation (context) and the behavior of those around him. When entering into situations together, discuss with the child what you see going on, how others are acting and how to use this information to decide how he should act. While doing so, objectively read the body language, facial expressions and actions of others, as talk about how others are reacting to each other. Have the child try and “size up” what he can expect and what is expected of him. Help him practice imitating so that he can effectively copy the behavior of others. Have fun with it; make it a game. Be careful, because this act of appraising and copying can be exhausting. It is for all of us, but much more so for people on the spectrum. It comes more naturally for us, but requires a lot of processing for them. They can only do it for short periods of time. It affects each person differently. Some can use this technique relatively easy, and some find it too exhausting. In addition, ensure to teach the child he is not trying to be something that he isn’t (invalidating his autism), but simply learning how socially “fit in” with others.
Posted on: Fri, 04 Oct 2013 09:58:53 +0000
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