DIVORCE WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID. I found a piece of writing from 1998 about what makes passionate relationships last. I was shocked to find that I strongly disagree with what I wrote back then. There was one glaring sentence that pricked my heart: “Relationships are about compromise.” UGH. Let’s toss that one please. One of the most progressive strategies for blooming Epic Love, intimacy, friendship, and a passionate marriage is a shared core value in everyone winning versus compromise. Compromise is when one or both of us renounce our Desire so the other can have what they want. So two of us lose or one of us wins and the other loses which makes the “winner” feel so guilty that ultimately both of us end up both losing. The positive intention in compromise is to prove our love and devotion. I love you so much that I will give up what I want and TURN OFF a part of myself so that you can have what you want. This is not bad and wrong, there’s just room for evolution. If you want Epic Love, passion and intimacy you won’t find it flourishing in a garden of chosen consolations, compromises or concessions. So my Beloved and I divorced compromise. And then we found ourselves in a bit of a pickle. What you do when your Desires compete with your Beloved’s Desires? Or what if they are in opposition to each other? When conflict arises keep looking for that third, fourth or fifth option that has everybody win; where all of us get our needs and desires met with the least amount of concession or compromise. And when you can’t see that third or fourth option for yourself ask for help. Vow to not suffer alone. We’ve been taught to keep romantic conflict hidden, behind closed doors. “Don’t burden people with your problems.” But doing this we get stuck in ruts and end up with compromise. The bottom line if you want Epic Love: trade in compromise for collaboration and rally until everybody wins. It requires animating your relating with curiosity and creativity instead of judgment and hostility. What’s the starting place? Consider that your partner’s Desire is completely right and will steer you both to someplace better, even when it feels so uncertain. Because uncertainty is a prerequisite for genius. Let’s not be on a pedestal about all this either. This is not selfless. It’s intelligently selfish. I intend to live life with no regrets. Compromise doesn’t fit into that value proposition. So I vow to love with collaboration not compromise. If you see me compromising, please, call me out. And I ask that when I appear stuck remind me that the path of Epic Love is paved with Infinite Possibility; its just a matter of switching perspective. Want to play the game of Epic Love? Notice: where is compromise running the show in your life or relationships? What’s that third or fourth option where everyone wins? What makes Epic Love so epic is that there are no settlers or losers, only TURNED ON winners. Love like that and I guarantee life just keeps getting better and better.
Posted on: Wed, 24 Sep 2014 16:45:55 +0000
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