DONT GET TWISTED When couples realize that some things arent what they expected, they are likely to think that something is wrong with their marriage and perhaps things would have gone better in a different marriage to a different person. Thats not necessarily true, though.Almost everyone suffers some serious disappointments within a few months after marriage. The main reason disappointment with marriage is almost inevitable is that our culture views a happy marriage as one of unending romance. Romantic love, however, is almost certain to fade with time.This is because romantic love is based on physical and emotional longing and desire. Once these desires are filled, that big turn on of romantic love becomes less intense. In addition, the romantic approach we take to courtship and mate selection leads us to idealize our spouse unrealistically . Sooner or later, these expectations are re-examined and compared to more realistic ones. Spouses sometimes accuse each other of changing but it is more likely that they are just finally seeing each other as they really are. There have been many definitions of love and love means something a little different to each of us. The good news about the disappointment couples might experience in the early years of marriage is that once spouses accept one another as they really are, they are able to develop the kind of bond the marriage needs. That kind of attachment is far more durable, secure, and rewarding than the romantic love usually depicted in the media today. To turn this honeymoons over period into a growth experience requires work. Here are a few important points: 1. Look at this period as a transition all couples go through, not as a sign of a bad marriage. 2. Concentrate on adapting yourself rather than trying to change the other person. In doing so, youll find attitude may be responsible for a good share of the problem and the best way to change someone elses behavior is to change your own.People are more likely to change when they feel accepted. 3.Share your feelings about the adjustment with your spouse. This can, of course,be destructive if it is not done with consideration. Dont attack,accuse,o r name call. You lied to me about yourself, will not be very helpful. I dont know about you, but Im feeling like things are different than I expected can open the door to discussion. It will probably be reassuring to both to realize that the spouse has also had feelings of disappointment and the need for adjustment. 4. Strengthen the marital commitment. Rather than using energy to wish for someone else (with whom there will be just as many or even more adjustments) invest effort in being a good partner and doing all you can to be considerate of your partner. 5. Pour on positives. One of the simplest, but most significant things couples can do is to ignore the negative and lavish each other with positive appreciation, praise, and affection. Research has shown that strong marriages need a balance of five positives to one negative.
Posted on: Thu, 28 Nov 2013 18:44:06 +0000
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