Date: 20/10/13 Location: Home (Long post) Being in prison from one cell to another. As you guys probably know that my cancer has come back, my battle against it has now recommenced. Chemotherapy was meant to start last Monday (14 Oct). But the doctors decided that I wasnt strong enough and that I would benefit from a extra week off chemo and to spend some time at home. Which means in theory i should be starting chemo tomorrow (21st Oct). I caught a infection which got me bed bound from my first chemo cycle for 2 weeks in hospital, where I lived off a drip and ate very little. For the last week Ive been at home and let me say that its not been great. Its really been hard. As Ive been bed bound my body needs to be restarted and trust me its easier said than done. My body needs to learn how to eat and how to process food, as I had lost loads of weight because I couldnt eat, I needed to also build body mass. I have had constant problems down there, (thats all Im saying). Ive not been able to eat. Ive been so weak that Ive spent most of my time in bed. Its been one of the most challenging weeks of my life. I have felt both huge amounts of physical and emotional pain. I was a bit funny as to wether I wanted to put this all on Facebook, but decided that it defeated the point of what I was doing if I cherry picked what I was going to put on. You guys are following my story because Im being open about my fight. Not for me to tell you half and not the full story. So here goes... Physical pain, was not being able to use the loo for days on ends. Belly was cramping up constantly. My body ached as I couldnt eat and wanted to because I was hungry. Physically constantly being sick as I couldnt fit no more food in, but had to force myself to eat. It was extremely painful, the kind a pain you really wouldnt wish on your worst enemy. Ive had a hot water bottle with me everyday, which has help. Emotional pain, was not being able to play with my Nishi. Knowing she hadnt seen me in 2weeks she wanted to do everything with and for me. She just wanted to spend time with me, and it really broke me when I couldnt do anything apart from watch tv with her. But she was good as gold which made me feel even worst. She would rub my body with cream, massage my head. Constantly ask me if I was ok. Make me tea every 30minute and make me 3 full meals a day from her pepper pig kitchen. My wife again was being her normal strong self. She helped me do my day to day things. She would make me anything I wanted just trying to get some food down me, me on the other hand just wanted to be left alone. I was tired of everything and everyone at this point. I really didnt see much point anymore. Last night was the final straw for me and I spent most of the night crying my eyes out. On my last week in hospital I had a conversation with the Doctor about how she suggested that it was time I gave up djing, because I physically couldnt cope with it. Not just setting up but actually standing there for hours on end would be too much for my body. I explained to the doctor that when I first got diagnosed last year that you told me to do whatever made me happy in life. I can honestly say that djing puts me in a place somewhere far far away where my cancer doesnt exists and the buzz I get when theres loads of people all waving and singing in front of me. Its a buzz you cant describe to others. I never did it for the money, every single penny Ive made from djing I have always given it all the charity, (Sarcoma UK). I even teach the new generation from home how to dj for free. Music has helped me so much with my fight against cancer and I said to myself, The day when I gave up on djing will be the day the cancer has won. Last night we had a gig. I was too ill to go and my wife went on her own without me and a couple of guys to help her carry and set up the kit. No doubt she did great and the client was extremely happy with our service. I knew then that the cancer had taken over and won. I couldnt hold back any longer and cried. It really hurt me knowing what I had told myself and knowing that I wasnt there supporting my wife after everything shes done for me. We now have another gig next saturday, hopefully Ill be well enough. I still have hope. You all say that Im brave and Im the strongest person youve ever known on your comments. I really aint. From when I found out my cancers come back until now Ive been crying everyday since. Theres not one day that goes past where I dont cry. I can honestly say Im scared. Im scared of dying. I really dont want to leave my champs and nishi behind, I need them. You all see this other guy when you see me out about, but inside Im a broken man. I hardly sleep now. Im too worried, instead I watch my wife sleep and cry for her. Knowing that she still has to be here on her own without me for another 50+Years by her side. I look at my nishi sleep and think about her and what shes going to turn out like. Her future, who she gonna be. What shes going to look like. Who she gonna marry, whos going to give her away. I need them both. They need me. I would do anything to stay with them. Anything. I know how easy it is to catch infections and thats whats going to get me when Im on my low days. Thats what Im scared of, the infections are going to get me. I have nightmares about them. I cant shake it off. I promised my wife when I married her that I would get her anything she wanted. I would always look after her. We would walk along the beach when were grey on old with a bag of chips. Holding hands. I promised her the world. I feel so sorry for her. Tomorrow is Day 1 of Cycle 2. I will be doing daily updates starting tomorrow onwards for the next 10days. So you guys know exactly what Im feeling each day as my body reacts to the chemo and plays assorts of games with my body and mind. I say daily updates, but if for whatever reason I cant. Please understand. Wish me luck. And thank you all for standing by and supporting me.
Posted on: Mon, 21 Oct 2013 00:28:31 +0000
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