Day 3. Time to get down to the nitty gritty. What many people dont know is that I am a victim of domestic violence. So is William. No no its not what you think! There are moments when I can see Ben feeling trapped inside a body he cant control. He will often get frustrated when he cant express what he wants or how he feels. It is in these moments that his body lashes out. Both myself and William have been kicked, punched, pinched and bitten. We have had our hair pulled (often), been slapped or had haphazard attempts from Ben to gauge our eyes. I have shed many tears after these moments. As William and Ben have too. Its not tears of pain. Because in these moments I see fear and sadness in Bens eyes as he loses control. I see William look at his brother with hurt and feeling betrayed by the big brother he loves. For some reason it is just the two of us who Ben seeks out. I like to believe that is because he knows we love him and help him calm with kisses and cuddles after. I have scars over my arms and hands, the back of my legs and around my eyes from him. William has numerous scar over his face and his hands, particularly his fingers from the numerous bites. When Ben was younger and would have these moments I was able to manage it. These behaviors began when he was around two. Back then he would mostly self harm and thrash around banging his head. I would pick him up, swaddle him in a sheet until his body would calm. Now at 13, this is not an option. Our best defense is to go in another room until he calms and comes back to us. I am fortunate and grateful that We havent had this with William and I am grateful that he hasnt lash out like this at anyone else. I am grateful that he is always sorry and quick to give kisses and cuddles to his little brother. And I am grateful that his little brother always accepts them. Matty has always said that he fears coming home to find me beaten up by our son. Ben is getting so big and strong that I am becoming more aware and observant to these triggers. We are able to avoid a lot of outbursts. With puberty we are more vigilant about monitoring his behavior. This is what I hate about autism. Those moments that I lose my boy. I know I will never stop being here for him and that I will do what I can very time to get him through it while keeping William safe. My love will never change. I know I would not feel this strong without my best friend by my side. Matthew has an ability to red me and knows when I need a break. I am often ordered to lock myself in my room to get a Bridget Jones Fix as he calls it. Or told to call a girlfriend to go for a cuppa, go shopping, or go paint. Yes I have the worlds best husband! The boys have the worlds best father. And we have the worlds most beautiful children who are more love to give than anyone I have known. 💖💖💖💖
Posted on: Thu, 03 Apr 2014 10:09:47 +0000
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