Day 5 Are you ready for this? When I started this series of the absolute selfie, even in its early days, some have requested me to talk about the all-too-personal subject - my affairs of the heart. It took quite a long while for me to muster the guts, and honestly, even at this minute, I dont know how this will go. I promised myself though that I will not write about it as if I were washing dirty linen in public, nor I would sound bitter, nor fetching for sympathy. I hope I deal with this in the most objective, sensible, level-headed manner. Tracing it back from childhood, I was not even aware I was a gender deviant until people around me started calling me names. Except for my family who were very silent, not a confrontation about it. Maybe this was the reason, all the more I was never open about personal matters. I was a late bloomer. It all started in college, in sophomore year when I started to have the weird feeling for guys that appeal to me. Funny, they were not even my classmates, they were just schoolmates whom I see (literally) every now and then at school. Even funnier, I dont know them, never mustered the guts to know them, I just unsuspectingly followed them where their classroom was, then would be happy, even just at the sight of them everytime I see them. Pathetic??? Guilty as charged. Believe it or not, i am so timid and shy, insecure and clueless how to begin a conversation with someone I meet and I consider interesting. Most of them were referrals, or third person initiated introductions. Some of my gay friends would chide me to being too old-fashioned, a manang, assuming to be more like a real woman. Pathetic??? Guilty as charged. When I started going out with gay friends, my senses, especially my common sense, were exposed with how the way it is going into a relationship. Theories and concepts about its true nature - that theyre not lasting, its a one-way relationship, it zeroes in on material wants of the other party, and that love is really out of the equation - were hard, painful learned lessons. With the number (not exceeding the number I have in my hand fingers) of the so-classified real and serious relationships Ive had, I have come to conclude that: I have been typecast, same role, same plot, same ending. Until, it came to a point, I have gone weary, tired of the usual role I have to play. Wag na, nakakatamad!, as a friend would often say. One might ask, how come, you never learn?, why do you have to go into another one? There is that holding on to that hope that the next one would be better, the promise of a better person to come into your life, the ardent hope that there is really someone for you. Each experience is unique and is a new challenge, you try your best to be better, you push yourself to certain limits - but when my respect for myself becomes at stake, I learn to let go, even if it hurts. There is no such thing as you are my everything, one needs to save some for himself. In a relationship, one need not lose himself totally. It takes two to tango, and somehow one gets tired of the burden of the I, me, myself routine. A relationship should be complementary, a sharing. As a consolation of sorts, even the normal man-woman relationships go through the uncertainties, the worst of times. Ive had my shares of crying moments that I kept to myself. Not even sharing it to the closest of friends because they will always say, its my call, its my life. Each experience is a learning opportunity. Until youve reached this stage in your life when you have realistically made the resolve - fairy tales dont happen! No amount of rantings by Boy Abunda regarding the clamor for change re:the rights of LGBT to have a lasting, acceptable relationship, Vice Ganda will always be denied by guys whom he had a relationship with, and Kris Aquino will always be hoping and praying for a lasting relationship, still to be denied - will ever change the situation. Not now, not in this world. At least, I am in good company, hindi ako nag-iisa! At this this time and age, I wish I could focus and devote my life into something more meaningful, lasting, and essential to what God has planned my life to be. #storyofmylife #50daysto50
Posted on: Mon, 30 Jun 2014 15:04:47 +0000
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