Dear Love, I thought about you today and my heart ached. I thought about all of the tears I cried on the way to you. I’ve been waiting for the day you would be within reach since I was a little girl. I hurt myself settling for cheap imitations of you. I thought that some of you was better than none of you so I took whatever I could get. I didn’t realize by settling I was training my heart to survive with less than it deserved. Each day I quarreled with the part of me that still wanted more of you. I thought that creating my own happy ending would have to start with having a less than perfect present. I was satisfied chasing an artificial love. It all looks so easy in the fairy tales. Two people look beyond one another’s shortcomings and fall in love. Now that I’m older I no longer want someone who can look beyond my flaws. I don’t want to spend a lifetime pretending they don’t exist. My imperfections are as much a part of me as the beautiful things. I just pray you’re brave enough to see beauty in my struggle. I want to fall in love with your sharp edges. I want my love to kiss the scars that caused you the most pain. I want to hold your hand while we walk down memory lane. I want to know your bitter truth. I know it won’t always be easy, I’m not looking for that. I just want to be with the person that makes the difficult worth it. I can’t say that I’ll be perfect. In fact, I’m so far from it I don’t even want to start something I can’t finish. When the fear is gone and I feel safe in your arms, I’ll show you my Cinderella slipper. I’ll take your hand and show you the ugly cinder hidden underneath the beautiful gown. I’ll introduce you to the mice that once scared me, but then helped me prepare for you. I could never regret the love I thought I had before you. I’ll tell you about the birds that chirped and brought attention to my truth and shame. I didn’t even realize they were making me stronger for you. I’ll narrate my fairy tale that is far from magical to tell. My eyes will lock with yours and I will tell you how I’ve waited forever for that moment. I knew the day would come when gravity pulled our souls together and forced us to fall. I once believed that love was the foundation and everything else would get better in time. I didn’t realize that better only comes when you have real love. And real love always begins with self. One day, when our souls begin their dance, I will tell you how I practiced loving you by loving myself. I wanted so badly to have a love that said, “You’re perfectly imperfect and that’s okay..” so I gave it to myself. I started loving me the way I wanted to be loved. This way anytime someone comes around masquerading as you, I won’t be fooled by the imitation. I fell in love with my crooked smile and fat cheeks. I fell in love with my forehead and the blemishes on my cheek. I fell in love with the lessons from the heartbreak and the memories from the pain. I fell in love with the God who placed air in my lungs and created the rhythm of my heartbeat. The more I fall in love with me, the more I have for you. You see, I want to give the kind of love that makes you dig deep. You will swim in the depths of my love and I will dive into your sea… And before His eyes our loves will unite and cast out all fear. I once believed that loving another meant I had to give my heart away. Now I know that loving the right one produces more love. That means I’ll be better because I love you… Love, like art, becomes more valuable with time. That means you’re worth the frogs I kissed along the way and the tears I cried from the pain. It means love is a masterpiece and you’re worth the wait. I don’t want the desire to love to ever make me settle for the imitation again. But if I have to lose, it’s worth it if it leads me to you. Until then I’m waiting and loving myself like it were you…
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 10:19:34 +0000
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