Dear dad, Well, God finally has stubborn ole me, right where he needs me; on injured reserve from a skydiving injury. We finally found an injury that I cannot handle myself; an injury that only God can heal; a twisted intestine and a bleeding colon. Thought I would never thank God for a physical injury. That thankfulness has drawn me closer to God! As I re-dedicate my life to him, his first task for me is to get thru the mourning process from losing you and three other loved ones. Years ago, a grief counselor had me write a letter to Sue, after she departed from this life. I laughed at the notion of writing to dead people. But to my amazement it closed up the hole in my heart & brought closure! So God instructed me to write a letter to you also, dad. I can’t do this dad. I don’t have the courage & strength. I would rather be skydiving, receiving physical injuries, so that I would not have to suffer emotional injury of a broken heart! Brokenness drains me. Physical injuries, I just absorb them & laugh at them. I cannot do this, but God can! Dad, when you got that cancer, the 364 days it took you to depart, I prayed for you every day! But I prayed in an unconventional way. I focused all my prayers into spiritual healing for you, instead of physical healing. God knew your heart was not right with other loved ones. So he asked me to pray that way. Dad, I was assured that, if you would have allowed God to heal your heart, it was automatically going to cure the cancer. So I applied full faith in praying that way. I drew up all the faith that I have ever had in my life, combined all of it into praying for you. I just knew my dad was gonna survive the cancer! You were gonna survive because you & I were going to make with each other! God was gonna restore my relationship to you, dad! I just knew it! I knew it because of my faith in God and my love for you, dad! At the time I had been a born again Christian for 19 years. My Christian journey, to that point, taught me that with enough faith & love, anything was impossible! I couldn’t visit you in the hospital, dad, because I have lost too many loved ones there. I didn’t wanna see you as physically weak in the hospital, dad. I did not wanna remember you that way. Dad, the day I was informed that you had just been admitted into the Hospice program, Brenda was picking me up from the hospital from a skydiving injury. Three days prior to that, I had received my most painful skydiving injury: a tree limb puncturing all the way thru my thigh. I returned to work, had a stroke while working. The Neurologist at the hospital said that my brain stem should have separated from my spine. He said something about blackout-instant death. Brenda raised heck with me. I got upset, scared the hospital staff, Police were involved. Why the injuries, dad? Because I love you dad. When you went into Hospice, dad, actually all year long, I was begging God to let me take the cancer from you, to let me die in your place. But when God would not let me die for you, I did the next best thing; I received physical injuries while skydiving, to show you how much I love you, to prove to you that I was worthy to suffer for you. No, I was not suicidal. I was skilled enough in skydiving that I knew what injuries would not kill me. If I had died, I would not have been able to physically suffer for you. Dad after you went into Hospice, the very next weekend, I went skydiving with crutches because my thigh had not healed yet. After that, I just kept aiming for the trees while skydiving. There is a skill on how to hit a tree without dying, but it is very tricky & scary. I have heard how we Christians sometimes take “wounds”, “stripes” and “scars” for Jesus. I just never thought I would take living wounds for a loved one. Dad, I hope that my wounds tell you how much I love you, because I really need to take a time out for the internal injuries. Dad, I am not blaming you in any way. I was just trying to show how much I love you. To be honest, I was disappointed with you & myself. You went into Hospice without us making peace. By that time it was too late. Dad, I was distraught because I felt that you gave up. I prayed so hard and faithfully for you. Man says there is no cure for Pancreatic Cancer but my Father in Heaven says there is! After I lost you dad, I was drained of all my faith & love from praying so much. I spent all the faith I had on you and I forgot to retain some faith & love to give to others. I became empty & numb. Another reason for the skydiving injuries was so that I could feel something. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. Today, dad, I am an empty vessel. I recently turned back to God so that he can refill me and maybe some day to use me for HIS glory! Dad as I close, I just wanna say that I am so sorry that I could not stop you from dying. I never told anyone until just recently, but the Bi-Polar illness makes me feel invulnerable. In the invulnerability, I automatically assume that my loved ones are invulnerable as well. I guess I subconsciously thought my loved ones would live forever. Dad, I know that up in Heaven, you have either Facebook or e-mail or something that can read all of this. I just wanna say that I love you, I miss you, please forgive me, help me be strong enough in the Lord so that he can heal me spiritually & physically. Dad, please tell Sue, up there in Heaven with you, that I love her! And the both of you keep watch over me & pray for me. My mourning will be over soon! God will have my heart shining so brightly that I will have to sneak up to the bathroom mirror so that I will not blind myself. Dad, When I was serving in the Children’s Ministry, a few of the children told me that my face shines like the sun and Christmas tree lights when I am with them! Another time I asked one of the young girls where Jesus lives. She came up to me and pointed at my heart. She told me: “I can see Jesus in your eyes”. Dad I will shine for Jesus like that again, I promise! It is just gonna take some time. I promise you, mom, my sisters, Sue, our two children and Mindee that I am gonna survive. I am comin’ home to Heaven someday! It was a sealed deal 21 years ago, when I became a Christian! Lord Jesus, thank you for lifting the burden of losing dad! I know that the entire mourning process is not over, but I am on the right! NO TURNING BACK, NO TURNING BLACK! Burdening beginning to lift and I am singing that song: I Believe I can Fly AMEN! LOve u all 4 ever! (especially to my dad!)
Posted on: Tue, 05 Nov 2013 12:32:39 +0000
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