December 3 Book Review: How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring. Reviewed by Carrie Pollard-Jarrell, MSW, Laurier Counselling Services Have you ever felt hurt, violated or betrayed? Have you been told that the best way to heal is to forgive? In How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To, Janis Abrahms Spring questions the value of “cheap” (pressured, disingenuous) forgiveness. Instead, she offers a model that focuses on self-healing and does not require forgiveness of the person that caused pain. The book is written by a clinical psychologist and offers direct, clear suggestions for healing and resolution, interwoven with the recovery stories of her clients. I particularly like her work on acceptance, as I believe that this is critical to healing but also one of the most difficult stages in recovery. How do we accept the unacceptable? The book again focuses on how to provide healing from within and defines acceptance as “a personal decision to take control of your pain, make sense of your injury, and carve out a relationship with the offender that works for you” (Abrahms 53). Referencing the work of Judith Herman (Trauma and Recovery) she reinforces that acceptance does not mean that we have to condone or take responsibility for the violation, but rather it encourages us to take back power and control in our lives by taking responsibility for our own healing. Abrahms fully outlines how to begin the process of acceptance and breaks it down into ten steps, including developing compassion for our suffering through acknowledgement of our emotions, letting go of obsessive thoughts related to harm and revenge (because it is “other-directed”), increasing feelings of safety and self- protection, using understanding to help put into perspective the actions of the person who cause harm, releasing shame and increasing self-esteem. It also offers suggestions around forgiveness, reconciliation and resolution, and it discusses how to cope in situations in which it is not possible or safe to communicate directly with the person that caused harm. The book discusses in detail the different models of forgiveness, including cheap forgiveness, refusing to forgive and genuine forgiveness. The latter is mutual and collaborative work between the two parties that are involved in the violation. She outlines critical tasks for the person that has caused harm (for example, witnessing pain, taking responsibility, earning trust, and self-forgiveness) and the person who has been harmed (for example, going through the stages of acceptance and providing opportunities for earning trust and healing). Overall, this book provides valuable insights and suggestions to help acknowledge our emotions, and to use compassion, understanding and acceptance to aid in healing and resolution—on our own or with the person that has caused harm. Bibliography: Abrahms Spring, Janis (2004). How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To. New York: Harper Collins. Herman, Judith (1992). Trauma and Recovery. New York: Basic Books. Further Reading: Men, Women and Worthiness by Brene Brown (2012) Reconcilable Differences by Andrew Christensen, Brian Doss and Neil Jacobson (2014) Self-Compassion by Kristin Neft (2011) Why Good People Do Bad Things by James Hollis (2008)
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 21:01:23 +0000
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