Depression: I am writing this as an open letter to everyone that interacts with me on a regular or even occasional basis, through reactions and conversations Ive come to feel a large portion of the people I talk to do not understand depression or anxiety in any capacity beyond yeah it sucks for anyone who hasnt gone through it or only has gone through periods of it, I am NOT trying to make you feel bad or saying you dont know what its like to be down, but just because youve had some bad days or you know someone who has depression doesnt mean you understand what any other person who has depression is going through, typically people who have suffered severe depression all seem to have this common understanding that each case is unique and everyone experiences different effects and different severity. To try and help paint the scene of what it is like living with this type of issue Ill outline the typical run down of my day. I will wake up at 7:00 or 7:30 every morning and spend from then until 9:00 or 9:30 thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong from the time I get out of bed to the time I get back in bed in the evening, I also spend a portion of that time convincing myself to get out of bed and start my day despite the obvious perils that are clearly going to take place as soon as I step foot out of my bedroom. I then drive to work and sit in my car in the parking lot as far away from the building as possible so hopefully nobody notices me and take the next few minutes preparing myself and convincing myself to go inside the building and start my day, I briskly walk into the building taking the path to avoid as many people as I can and say good morning to my desk mate James and sit down at my desk and check my emails hoping that there is nothing that will cause me any additional anxiety, Once Ive read through any new emails I walk to the cafeteria avoiding eye contact with everyone in the building unless they happen to deliberately speak to me on my way by in response to which I usually just say Hey or You see er depending on what theyve said, I then grab my drink from the cooler and sit down at a table remaining thankful that the wonderful lady behind the counter remembers what I want for breakfast and doesnt feel the need to make a social occasion out of it, I will then go back to my desk put on my headphones and proceed through my work ignoring everyone as best as possible unless someone starts a conversation I will leave it that way unless I am having a particularly good or bad day in which case I will talk to a couple of my close friends so I dont feel like Im so trapped. Once I leave work I feel like Ive gotten free of the pressures of the world and drive home finding the rout with the least traffic and the least attention possible, I then will go into my barn alone and do my fitness routine and post some things on social media to keep some semblance of normality so people dont realize quite how badly I want to be alone and not have to talk to them, Once Ive done all this I typically sit in my bedroom listening to music or reading a book and then spend the remaining time until I fall asleep considering things that have happened through the day and how people may have judged me once I plod through all that I return to may go wrong the next day until I have my renewed attempts at the topic the next morning. None of this is meant to make anyone feel pity or sympathy for me this is simply my daily routine this is what Im used to, so when Im especially quiet, or seem irritable, it probably has nothing to do with you and there is no need to take it personally I quite likely have recently constructed some theory in my head of some awful conversation Im avoiding and simply want to end the interaction and go back to my music. In summary I just hope people can learn to understand there is always so much more underlying in everything a person says or thinks or does than we usually consider, I know how easy it is to overlook what might be going on underneath the masks people wear in their daily lives I dont so much want people to treat me differently but people in general, take more time to consider how others feel and what they may be going through before just shrugging off their hesitance to talk about their problems with some comment like yeah people suck.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 01:14:52 +0000
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