Depression sucks! When I am feeling depressed it is usually because someone did something to cause me or someone else unnecessary pain. Wednesday I went to the VA for some serious health issues. While I was talking to the dock and describing what has been happening she told me that what is happening to me is impossible. I take that as 1 she is close minded dumb *****, 2 She is calling me a liar, and 3 I am not going to be helped by this person. So I asked he for a referral to see another doctor for a second opinion. As the words came out of my mouth I could see the fear in her eyes like she was in trouble. She left the room to talk to her supervisor(the real doctor not a student) When she came back I received a solid NO on the referral. I left the VA in a decent mood because I figured I would just download the forms myself and fill them out to get the VA to pay for a private doctor. I was confused but in a good mood. I woke up the next day in such a depressed mood I felt I did not belong in this world. I felt I think differently and act differently than most humans on this earth so much so that I was either born in the wrong time or in the wrong dimension. I had lost all control over what I was thinking about. I was crying so much and so hard I hid my face into my pillow so my roommate wouldnt hear me as i was convulsing from crying so hard. For some reason I thought I could start over if I just removed myself from this world. I had the willingness to do something to myself so I hid in the closet to keep myself from acting on my thoughts. My mental state was completely different from when I am in a decent mood. It was like I had access to all my psyche at the same time as my mind was trying to figure out why this person and the VA wont help me. I am in pain most of the day from the swelling, I have muscle spasm that pinch my nerve in my neck from the swelling, and I can no longer do exercises, I had to stop physical therapy because the swelling is keeping me from improving, I can not take any over the counter pain medication because I am now allergic to them, and every doctor I talk to not just her will not address my pain and swelling. The thought of I know why 22 veterans commit suicide everyday kept popping into my head. There is a lot more that went on but I am giving you my cliff notes so you can get an understanding of my thoughts. I usually hold all this in. I am still in a depressed mood and I am not looking for sympathy. I am frustrated and I can not think of how to solve my own problem because every time I try I am thrown back into an emotional state of depression.
Posted on: Sat, 22 Nov 2014 22:33:38 +0000
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