Do you know depression? Have you been there? Did you see just how dark the darkness really is? Do you know that feeling of sheer and utter hopelessness, uselessness, helplessness? Do you know just how unloved any one person can feel? Dont tell me to snap out of it coz I cant. The light at the end of the tunnel? I dont see it right now. Yes I know my family loves me. But right now I feel they will be much better off without me. You say I have a purpose on this earth. I dont know what it is. You say my kids need me. Maybe they need normal more than they need me. You say Im special, Im loved, Im unique, Im worth something. Guess what? I dont feel any of that right now. Dont tell me I will find another job. Right now all the rejections just got too much. Dont tell me there is help. I dont see it. Help did not see the look on my babys face when he asked for bread and there was none. Help didnt feel the sheer pain in my heart when my child told me he needs money for school and I didnt have. Help does not feel this rock of emptyness in my chest when my mom got sick and I couldnt even buy her medicine. Help didnt stop the tears when I asked for him and was refused. Dont judge me. Right now you dont know what Im feeling. You dont know. You just dont. And dont ask me to talk about it. Coz sometimes talking is just about the hàrdest thing you could ever do. Sharing my darkest, deepest emotions is just plain impossible. I have hit rockbottom, and only I know just how hard that rock is at the bottom. Nothing you say makes sense to me. No amount of encouraging can lift this dark heaviness from me. Who is this person, you ask. Its me. Your wife. Your husband. Your brother, sister, friend, neighbour, colleague, stranger. Im anyone you might know or meet or see. Im the one who suffer in silence. Im the one who sometimes smile at you as if I dont have a care in the world. Yet inside Im falling apart. Drowning, suffocating. Swallowed by something only I can see.
Posted on: Mon, 10 Nov 2014 16:45:46 +0000
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