Due to a clerical error, it was discovered that we had a little extra money in our “Outside Consultant Fund,” which is actually pretty surprising, seeing how many consultants we hire. We could be fiscally responsible and apply the found money to next year’s budget or we could hire one last consultant before the end of the year. We went with Option B, of course, and hired a psychic who we had met once on the Ocean City boardwalk. We asked her to make some predictions about the City of Annapolis for 2015 and she happily agreed. After we wrote the check. Buckle in. -Since almost all council business pertains to issues affecting downtown, all alderpersons will be reassigned to represent Ward 1. All other wards will be combined into one super-ward called “Not Ward 1.” There will be no representative assigned since most citizens outside of Ward 1 have no idea as to which ward they reside in, anyway. -Mayor Pantelides will attempt to have the Fireball named as the Official Shot of Annapolis because “some hot girl at Acme dared me to do it.” Council unanimously votes down the legislation while rolling their eyes. -The developers of Crystal Spring will quietly dig a moat from Crab Creek up to Forest Drive and back down the other side to create an island, complete with a drawbridge. They will declare their independence from Annapolis, calling their new municipality “Crystal Island.” They announce plans to open a casino and resort by 2017. -Aldermen Ross Arnett and Joe Budge finally get council to agree to purchase the Fawcett Property and, immediately upon sale to a mysterious holding company in the Philippines, Annapolis’ newest bar, “Ross and Joe’s Waterside Saloon” opens to mixed reviews. -Protesters, having successfully shut down Forest Drive months before, will block Ego Alley by joining hands whilst balancing upon a line of inner tubes. Disappointed rich people are forced to turn their wildly expensive boats around and find somewhere else to rub their wealth in people’s faces. -Alderwoman Sheila Finlayson, concerned that council is not creating positions within city government fast enough, works to establish a new 50-person city department “The Office of Creating As Many City Positions as Fast as Possible.” Meanwhile, Alderman Littmann, concerned about a lack of representative voices on the Environmental Matters Committee, appoints an actual tree to his committee. When it is pointed out that the tree has not made any contributions to the group, Littmann responds that “River Birches are notoriously shy when it comes to public speaking and you just have to be patient.” -Having run out of potential holidays to give city employees off, the Mayor creates a new month, “Junch,” to be inserted between June and July. City offices will now be closed on both Junch 8th and 45th. -With the budget stretched even thinner than ever, trash collections will be reduced to once per month, with a limit of two bags per household. That will encourage city residents to recycle more. Also, there will be no more recycling collections. -Currently, city residents and businesses are responsible for shoveling public sidewalks in front of their property during snow events. New legislation will be passed which will require that they also be responsible for the roads in front of their property, as well. Snow and/or ice will need to be cleared from the road no more than three hours after snowfall begins. Potholes will be their responsibility, too. And repaving. -And finally, taking its cue from Uber, the city’s Department of Transportation creates a smartphone app for residents. Those who want to be picked up immediately need merely to summon the nearest Circulator from a fleet of roving Circulators driven by residents. Trolleys will soon clog the streets of Annapolis.
Posted on: Wed, 31 Dec 2014 02:44:11 +0000
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