Elderly Banking... ..............PRICELESS!! > > > > Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old > woman. > > The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New > York Times. > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > > Dear Sir: > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to > pay my plumber last month. > > > By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his > presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to > honor it. > > > I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, > an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. > > > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and > also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience > caused to your bank. > > > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me > to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally > answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am > confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity > which your bank has become. > > > From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. > > > My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be > automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and > confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. > > > Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to > open such an envelope. > > > Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen > employee to complete. > > > I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about > him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. > > > Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be > countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her > financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be > accompanied by documented proof. > > > In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN > number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. > > > I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled > it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account > balance on your phone bank service. > > > As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. > > > Let me level the playing field even further. > > > When you call me, press buttons as follows: > > > IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH > > #1. To make an appointment to see me. > > #2. To query a missing payment. > > #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. > > #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. > > #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. > > #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. > > #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is > required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that > Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. > > #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again > > #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on > hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. > > #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. > > > While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will > play for the duration of the call. > > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. > > > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? > > > Your Humble Client > > > And remember: Dont make old people mad. We dont like being old in the > first place, so it doesnt take much to piss us off.
Posted on: Sat, 20 Sep 2014 15:08:35 +0000
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