Elevo espiritual...: https://youtube/watch?v=JE37e1eK2mY Albuquerque Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerrys Bait shop You know the place well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy I said to my mom I said Hey, mom, whats with all the sauerkraut? And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said ITS GOOD FOR YOU And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old Thats when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel Wacka wacka doodoo yeah Well, let me tell you, people, it wasnt long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoys butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize Thats right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know, Id never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why? Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah So I crawled from the twisted, burnin wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna Its OK, theyre clean Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And Im just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, theres a knock on the door Well now, who could that be? I say Who is it? No answer Who is it? Theres no answer WHO IS IT? Theyre not sayin anything So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected Its some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when Im right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And Im like Hey, you cant have that That snorkels been just like a snorkel to me And hes like Tough And Im like Give it And hes like Make me And Im like Kay So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? Ill tell you what it said It said If youd like to make a call, please hang up and try again If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator If youd like to make a call, please hang up and try again If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator In Albuquerque Albuquerque Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says Yeah, what do ya want? I said You got any glazed donuts? He said No, were outta glazed donuts I said Well, you got any jelly donuts? He said No, were outta jelly donuts I said You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts? He said No, were outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts I said You got any cinnamon rolls? He said No, were outta cinnamon rolls I said You got any apple fritters? He said No, were outta apple fritters I said You got any bear claws? He said Wait a minute, Ill go check No, were outta bear claws I said Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have? He says All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels I said OK, Ill take that So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin me all over (rabid gnawing sounds) Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin me apart You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin through my head I believe it went a little something like this . . . Doh Get em off me Get em off me Oh No, get em off, get em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get em off me Oh, oh God Ah, (more screaming) I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin my arms all around and just runnin, runnin, runnin Like a constipated weiner dog And as luck would have it, thats exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches Ill never forget the first thing she said to me. She said Hey, youve got weasels on your face Thats when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club? I said Woah, hold on now, baby Im just not ready for that kinda commitment So we broke up and I never saw her again But thats just the way things go In Albuquerque Albuquerque Anyway, things really started lookin up for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream Thats right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin a lot of attitude OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty tryin to carry a big ol sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say Hey, you want me to help you with that? And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw So I did And then he gets all indignant on me Hes like Hey man, I was just being sarcastic Well, thats just great How was I supposed to know that? Im not a mind reader for cryin out loud Besides, now hes got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy So whats he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasnt had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And hes yellin and screamin and bleeding all over And Im like Hey, come on, dont you get it? But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming (screaming sounds) You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just cant take a joke, you know? Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know its kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point Im tryin to make here is I hate sauerkraut Thats all Im really tryin to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours Theres still a little place called Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque I said A (A) L (L) B (B) U (U) querque (querque) Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque
Posted on: Thu, 27 Nov 2014 09:56:14 +0000
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