Enjoy my story :) 2014 How could I not stop? A quick, random act of kindness; hopefully it would wash away the stain of my final selfish choice. The tension in my chest flared up again as I leaned over to pick up the small, faded black leather wallet. I always got this way when I started thinking about killing myself. I looked up to track down the man who had dropped his wallet. When I noticed him drop it, I only saw him for a brief moment. I hoped he would be the guy in the crowd frantically searching his pockets, and I could catch up to him and make his day. No such luck. The crowd downtown was sparse. Maybe fifteen people wandering about, all minding their own business. A young mother, toddler in tow, pushing a baby in a stroller down towards the path that led to the bridge. The bridge where I planned to end my life today. People would be devastated, I had no doubt. My mom, my sister, my six year old nephew. My best friend, his fiance, and many more. I had no lack of people close to me. People who loved me. People I loved. Thats why it killed me to think about ending the pain. Because I knew it was selfish; I wanted to leave my pain behind, but I knew it wouldnt simply disappear, it would merely transfer. My former pain would become theirs. I hoped that they could understand how comparatively, their individual pain levels would be much less then mine. How together, they could bear the burden that I could no longer bear. How I had spent ten years fighting the pain and faking smiles, with these lingering thoughts as a constant companion. I hoped they could find it in their hearts to forgive me. I hoped to find it in my heart to forgive myself. The problem was, despite all the love and support from my friends and family, there was something missing. A kind of numbness. An emptiness. I had spent years learning to accept myself. Learning to love myself and those close to me. But, and I could never admit this to them, that wasnt enough. I longed to have someone who chose me. Someone who loved every part of me. A partner. A lover. A soulmate. I wanted wacky romantic adventures, just like rom-coms and sitcoms had promised me. I wanted delivery on the cliched line Id heard from everyone I knew: I just know theres someone out there for you.. I wanted lazy Saturday mornings, waking up together in a haze and having the first sight of the day be of the woman I loved. I wanted all the thousand little gestures of love and affection that only come with time. I sighed and glanced at my watch. Whats the rush? No one was expecting me any time soon. For the last time in my life, I had all the time in the world. For some reason, turning over the faded, cracked leather in my hands, I felt determined. Something was driving me forward. I have to find him. I opened the wallet slowly, furtively glancing around. I knew I wasnt trying to steal from this poor guy, and I guess I was trying to convince anyone who might be watching. The first thing I noticed was how well worn this particular wallet was. Like an old friend, with familiar groves and spaces for his cards and money and receipts. Except none of those things were in it. It was empty. I looked around the street again. The young mother had disappeared, presumably crossing the bridge. A homeless guy sat motionless on the corner, but no one paid any attention to me. Confusion washed over my face as I began a deeper inspection. It seemed like someone had hastily ripped everything from inside it. But there, in one of the folds, a faded and worn corner of what looked like paper. I pulled softly at the paper, which turned out to be glossy but faded photo paper. I saw something which could not be. 2019 Seriously babe, why dont you let me buy you a new wallet? Because. She rolled her eyes, knowing that I wouldnt be swayed. Not on this. I picked up the faded black leather wallet, filled to the brim with life - receipts, cash, credit cards, business cards, photographs - and slipped it into my pocket as she finished her descent down the stairs. How do I look? It was an outfit I had seen, in part, before I ever met her. An outfit that I had burned into my memory. I tried hard not to let my excitement show. Amazing. Stunning. Beautiful. As always. She blushed and bit her lower lip. In all our 4 years together, sincere compliments never failed to make her blush. I love you. She smiled and my heart fluttered, not for the first time. I love you. I smiled back. You know, I heard they were renting one of those photo booths for the reception. Really? Her smile had never failed to brighten my day, and she was always quick to offer it to me. That sounds fun. 2039 The soft electric beeping of the heart rate monitor pierced the silent hospital room. The slightly flustered nurse patted my wife softly on the leg. If you need anything, Ill just be right outside, okay? My wifes eyes fluttered as she nodded weakly and slowly. Thank you. I said softly to the nurse as she slipped out of the room. We sat together in silence, not for the first time. I had always found a certain comfort in sitting quietly with someone I cared about, never needing to say anything. The tumors on her lungs made speaking a herculean task. We were living on borrowed time. According to the doctors, she should have passed away two weeks ago. They knew that the cancer was spreading and that it was only a matter of time. So we spent every waking moment simply sitting, holding hands in silence. Im... sorry... She struggled through the oxygen mask and tears welled up in my eyes again. You dont need to be sorry my love. I... feel... soon... I nodded solemnly and wiped away a tear with my free hand. Ill be here until... whatever happens. I love you. Love... you... with... all... heart... I took another deep breath. One of us had to be strong; it should be the one who could breathe without help from a machine. Hours passed. She slipped into sleep. Every time that had happened, I panicked and this time was no different. When she woke up again, it was dark outside. The nurses stopped enforcing normal visiting hours for me. I practically lived there, in her room. Hi... She said weakly, and tried to smile for me. It was the first time in 25 years that it had failed to brighten my day. I love you. Given the circumstances, I couldnt think of anything else to say. Love... you... A long pause. Im... sorry.... I told you. You dont need to be sorry my love. The tears started rolling down my cheeks. I couldnt let the woman of my dreams last thoughts be that she had disappointed me. Youve given me more than I ever thought possible. You taught me how to love, and gave me a quarter of a century of love and affection. You gave me hope for my life before I even met you, I didnt say. But... leaving... you... alone... I did something she couldnt have expected then. I smiled. No, my love. Never alone. Never again. I couldnt have planned it better. The last thing she saw was me smiling with delight at her. And her faint smile broke my heart for a moment, but I knew everything would be okay, eventually. 2068 Sir, I really must protest. This is an experimental technology, and we have no idea how it might affect humans, let alone the... elderly. Tell me son, I smirked, confident that I would get my way in this, who better to test an experimental technology on then someone who has nothing left to lose? The technician was not my son, but I had gotten used to the perks of being older - calling people son was definitely one of them. He shook his head rapidly, but his eyes were conflicted. I cant... Human testing... we could lose everything... Besides, he said, strengthening his resolve, by all accounts, the subject would merge with the temporal duplicate in a matter of seconds. We dont even know if you would know that you had ever been sent back. I smiled warmly. Fine by me. And in any case, he continued, how would we ever know if the technology worked? Wed need a fail-safe, something we could verify... What about... a phrase? Something simple to remember, but would prove beyond a doubt that the technology worked? Yeah, that might work. Something simple, yet unfakable, like EDI Technologies and todays date, maybe written on an artifact brought back from the future. I smiled and wordlessly pulled my faded black leather wallet from my pocket. The technicians face went through a gamut of emotions as the implication of what I had come to know as truth for the past fifty years started to dawn on him. You... it... what... how? I have a feeling weve had this conversation before. 2014 This could not be. A picture. A strip of pictures, actually, like from a photo-booth. I looked around the street, terror mixing with confusion. On the back of the strip, someone had scrawled EDI Technologies and a date: Feb 3, 2068. I had never heard of the place, but that was not what was shocking. The pictures were of me. But I had never taken them. In fact, I looked older, but it was still recognizably me, of that I had no doubt. Next to me, smiling here, planting a kiss on my lips there, there was a woman. A woman who looked strangely familiar, despite the fact that I had never seen her before. A woman with a smile that brightened my day.
Posted on: Sat, 19 Jul 2014 20:10:49 +0000
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