Exert from A Soldiers Heartache and Fortune (Late night writing) December 25th 2011 Winter’s breath has found its way to edges of my face, walking from the car to the barracks. Travelling after an evening with my daughters, the journey back to the WTU is silent. For the past two years Christmas day has been soaked with solitude and wandering thoughts. The last Christmas spent with company of other was years ago. Pixels streaming across TV networks airing movies such “It’s a wonderful life’ and ‘Christmas Story’ are slightly saddening. Families waking up to gather around the Christmas tree appears in commercials and advertisement ads. Aware of the barracks being completely empty on Christmas Day, I will be completely alone. The barrack’s parking lot with the exception of government vehicles sits vacant. The snow covered sidewalks and parking lot indicates no signs of life for the past few days. Walking up the dry and spotless flights of stairs to my room, the smell of simple green cleaner burns my nostrils. The light blue tiled flooring reflects the florescent lights. The bright fluorescents are the closest thing to Christmas lights or any sort of gleaming illumination. The forsaken sensation of being completely forgotten slithers its way into my heart. A day, which is supposed to be littered in happiness, overflows with self-loathing. How can possibly make today productive and less depressing? Apathetic to my looming misery, smoking a joint seems uplifting. Stepping out to my car the fear of being caught was non-existent. Who was around to witness or smell the scent of burning marijuana? Estimating when the next urinalyses was to be expected. Covering my tracks was manageable. The crackling of the burning paper gently receding with every pull resembled the dissipation of people in my personal life. The touching of my lips on every woman I’ve kissed. Diminishes away leaving only smoke and ash. Briefly high or infatuated with one another, eventually we come down. Once coming down the sobering evidence of what lays between is discovered. Going through withdraws its only a matter time before she will leave. With potency of my love completely wearing off. I’ll soon enough serve no further purpose to them. The realization I am comparable to a drug rests heavily as my eyes. Gazing across the white sprinkled ground, my body goes completely numb. Gradually making my way back to the barracks. The resemblance of walking on a treadmill is in full affect. This will take forever. Opening my laptops the blinking cursor and blank page teases while deliberating on what to write about. I have so much to say and nothing to show for it. How have I isolated myself to such a degree? Briefly sitting back and remembering those once in life, the urge for redemption is near. The New Year rapidly approaching, something has to change. Desperately desiring a change of pace. I must attempt to reconcile with those I’ve inflicted great emotional harm upon. Endless nights of sitting up and feeling guilty for the past year must cease. Letters, Facebook messages, and email sent and never sent was my attempt at expressing my deepest regrets and apologizes. The majority of the letters, messages and emails were never met with a reply. Disappointed by the initial lack of response, I soon realized the true purpose of my conquest. It was a matter of finding forgiveness within myself and making sense of mess I made. Written in no particular order, the subjects where matters I had regreted the most. Some had been people who once prevailed in my personal life. Others were topics I wanted to further specify what I had previously struggled with. I suppose this is way for me to feel as if I have moved on. The deepest and most infectious wound of all was war. Radiating in every corner of my mind, body and soul. There has to be explanation for warfare. Having read countless personal accounts, war memoirs, biographies and historical texted books; a personal explanation must be concluded upon. The revealing of my fortune would soon be exposed.
Posted on: Tue, 23 Jul 2013 07:30:00 +0000
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