Eye Contact - Whats the fuss? (Enterprizer to ADHD at Work on Oct 28) Howdy… I recently had a supervisor who insisted that I “look her in the eyes” when she spoke to me. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about it, or hadn’t given it much concern. But when I did look her in the eyes (with appropriate breaks, of course), I had a very difficult time following the conversation or focusing on anything she said. As I thought more about it over time, and kind of observed my own behavior for a while, I realized that I almost NEVER look anyone in the eyes when having a serious (non-romantic) conversation. I find that, for me, focusing on one spot, or perhaps some inanimate object, I hear, and understand, and focus, and assimilate much more of what’s being said, and it also helps ME to communicate my thoughts. Looking at somebody in the eyes just “because” causes me to mentally grind to a near-halt. I’ve done some searching online regarding the topic, and there’s all this “remedial training” for ADD/ADHD kids who aren’t making “proper” eye contact. What the hell difference does it make? I’m the one with ADD, as well as being an off-the-scale introvert. Notice I said “introvert” and not “shy”... these are not necessarily one-and-the-same, although a lot of extroverts tend to expect us to be just like them. Well, both ADD *and* introversion present barriers to un-prepared meetings and other speaking events. I can pretend to be an extrovert and can (and have) speak to over a thousand people at once… because I practiced what I was going to say, until I got to the point where all I needed was a single bullet per speaking point. Gee, did anyone notice that I just went “ADD”? Anyway, I would like to ask the rest of you: Is it easier for your to concentrate and be more participative in certain conversations when you’re NOT making eye contact? Or if you do make eye contact, are you forcing it to fit in, or does it just come natural to you? Second half of that question is this: I toll my boss, “You know, I have ADD, and I assure you I mean no disrespect, but I actually pay *better* attention when I’m focusing on an inanimate object.” In essence, I believe I just expressed the need for a “reasonable accommodation.” (i.e., please don’t force me to make eye contact if you want me to remain engaged in this conversation.” Please, no “...but it’s the polite thing to do” answers. If you’re ADD, you must your own interpersonal communication quirks. If you’re also introverted to a fair degree, that adds yet another twist to the equation. Should this be up for grabs as a “reasonable accommodation” if it helps me be a better employee? FYI, I did not have any customer-facing roles in this job, but if I’m in familiar situation that doesn’t require me to do any deep thinking or heavy conversation (about an unknown topic), I can be a fake extrovert in those situations. Thoughts? Feelings? Unfeeling conformists? grin Thanks in advance for your input… - See more at: connect.additudemag/groups/topic/Eye_Contact_-_Whats_the_fuss/#sthash.LDkSsOr4.dpuf *** Reply Comment *** Masterchip27: Your last two paragraphs: You’re right where my head is at with most of my issues are regarding eye contact. This particular boss is not my boss anymore, but I may be working in the same organization again if my lawyer and I prevail. That particular issue will be addressed as an accommodation that wasn’t even seriously considered by her, and she continued to insist on the eye contact, even though it blew my concentration. I’m not sure if you’re aware of the “radial - vs- linear” communication modes that mark one of the key differences for those with ADD, but my understanding is that ADD-types sort of pull from a “circle” of inter-related information and piece together a narrative that takes others on a “joy ride of incomprehension.” Makes perfect sense to me/us, but it’s often hard for those who don’t know me well to follow me, unless of course it’s a topic I’ve already spoken on many times, or something I’m already very knowledgeable about, or, with new info, something that I’ve practiced talking about. So that’s one obstacle. Introverts, depending on exactly how introverted they are, have difficulty processing new data and *talking about it at the same time*. So let’s say I go to a meeting… one of the agenda items is a new hiccup in our work processes, and we need to do some creative thinking to solve the problem. Introverts immediately start processing the data in their heads, but if they try to engage the others in what they’re thinking in a “real-time” manner, it all comes out sounding disjointed and… well, usually pretty hard for the others to grasp my intent. Why? I’m still actively processing the issue in my brain, and I simply can’t multi-task that way. I need to resolve the issue and formulate my inputs *first*, then organize my thoughts into a state where the average person can follow the logic, and *then* I’m able to engage the rest of the folks real-time. The only problem, in their rush to find a band-aid solution, they often get it wrong. They’ll simply overlook or fail to consider some element that will ultimately either make their plan fail, or perhaps it will work, but it’ll be clunky as hell. Meanwhile, I take my product to my boss—a logical, well-thought-out and possibly over-analyzed input, but I was usually told something like: We’ve already made our decision; you had a chance to provide your input *in the meeting*, but you didn’t really offer anything. Explaining to that particular manager about my introversion and how that impacts my ability to process new information and talk about it simultaneously, I would be told, “Well, the rest of us aren’t introverts, so you’ll just have to adapt to OUR way of doing things. ADAPT? Really? Anyway, once things fell apart based on the rest of the team’s conclusions, they would either come back and ask me to tell them my idea again. It would be adopted and it almost always worked. Or.. my boss would just take my earlier suggestions, implement them, and take the credit for it. I’m sorry, ADD rambling again… If you want to explore more about the introvert/extrovert issue (and a few additional attributes that combine to define your basic, overall personality type, I recommend using the Myers-Briggs testing. Now I’m not sure how this works, but the actual assessment is called the “Keirsy Temperament Sorter.” I’ll paste a link in. I think there are about 60 or 70 questions, but it’s worth 20 minutes to get some better insight to your own personality. For the most part, you’ll probably look at it and wonder who the hell got in your head! grin Just remember—answer all questions/scenarios based on your usual, normal, everyday behavior/inclinations… NOT the way you would like to be, or something you aspire to—it must reflect the “you” who you are right now to get an accurate result. Oh, and just so you know, this is the freely accessible web-based version of the assessment, but it is absolutely based on the same test you would pay a professional to administer to you; it’s *not* some cheesy “fun” test some random dude wrote up and put on the internet. It will ask you for your e-mail address at the end, but that’s only to mail you your results. Once you have the four-letter personality designator they provide, you can search out all kinds of info regarding your type all over the web. Not all of it is great, and I think some of it was written by amateurs. You’ll see what I mean if you start looking around. keirsey/sorter/register.aspx If you don’t mind, let me know what you thought of the test and whether it was accurate. Posted by Enterprizer on Oct 28, 2013 at 9:47pm - See more at: connect.additudemag/groups/topic/Eye_Contact_-_Whats_the_fuss/#sthash.LDkSsOr4.dpuf
Posted on: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 03:11:41 +0000
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