FOR THOSE THAT DO NOT KNOW ME I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE MY SELF- MY NAME IS KIMBERLY COX Retired Us Army Veteran Total Bad Ass Combat Injured Military Violent Rape PTSD Survivor - This is My Story~ I have Worked off 174.5 Pounds from My 60 Foot Tall drink of Water Frame. I Taught Myself. I am NOT A COMPANY, No weight loss surgeries, No PILLS, I Use only Calorie Count Journalism, Weight Lifting, Cardio. I have had 8 Back Surgeries. I was Injured in the Army. When They Performed the Surgeries they found a Tumor. They Were unable to Remove it. This Tumor grabs my Spinal cord and holds it down. I fracture And Herniate disks very Easy. I was in a hospital bed in my dining room for many years, I Used wheelchairs, Walkers and Canes For Many more Years. I gave up and let depression, PTSD swallow me whole. I was dead, i just did not know it, i was a shell, i just was existing. A Body. I became tired and angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself, stopped staring out the dining room windows Daydreaming of how it felt to run, how it felt to be strong, I wanted more. No one on a white horse was going to come into my home and Rescue me, I had to rescue MYSELF. To at least Try. I Threw Away the 18 pain Medicines: Oxy, Valium, liquid Morphine.. all the meds for side effects of the meds... I learned How to Embrace my Pain, become one with it: Make friends with my pain. Choose When I would have pain: I REALIZED THE PAIN WAS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY, I ACCEPTED IT. IT WOULD BE MY PARTNER: BUT I WILL BE DAMNED IF PAIN was Going to RULE ME AGAIN. I WOULD CHOOSE WHEN I HURT. Now To this Day, I Bring on the Pain, My way, My Rules. I Take Pain as high as can so when i would not be exercising, the everyday pain all day pain would not be so overwhelming. I started with Picking up my own legs and practicing sitting up. I crawled and pulled myself on the floor. I cried so many times as i crawled, i remember many Times yelling for help on the floor and there was no one there to help me. I was home alone. So I cried and pulled myself across the floors as many times as i had to. I started on my sons Gazelle. For only a few mins. Then i bought a treadmill and had my son put it in the front room in front of the TV. I could not walk more that a min or two and kept falling. I did not give up. A Few minutes here and few minutes there became Miles. I was so elated that i could not believe what i was doing.. I was walking. I wanted to know what else the doctors were wrong about. I was so scared. I wanted to run again. God and I became very close, I talked to him. As i was scared to leave my house, my safe Place. When i went to the store I would fall, and people would come and point , laugh. or worse feel sorry for me. I told no one what was wrong with me. I seen when i did Tell them I could see a change come over their faces, that people treated me different. They even would talk slow to me and pause like i was feeble minded. Pity and feeling sorry for me were in the faces of the others. I had such shame when i seen there eyes. I was once a Soldier. I walked, marched with pride in my Uniform. At home i could hold the walls. I could fall and no one could see me. I was scared to fall. the Pain. Embarrassment, what i saw that was weakness.. But i knew that that house was my prison if i did not find a way to control my body. I joined a gym. I lived at the gym. I asked everyone questions and more questions. I got pats on the head. I told them when they asked why i was there that i was going to become a body builder and runner. They laughed. Or worse said sure you will. I started walking outside by a lake. I got it in my head that if i should not be walking.. what else could my body do? I HAD to know if i could Run. I had to TRY, to know. Attempt. I Fell. My legs are a combination of numbness and on fire. It feels like when you sit on your legs and they fall asleep, My legs feel like when the blood rushes back in. Extreme pain. When i walk, The pain is magnified. When I run, well i used to cry allot . I used to yell at god. Why. Please. etc. begged.. Bargained with God: IF HE WOULD LET ME WALK AGAIN WITH OUT HELP, I WOULD RUN.... I ran. I picked my ass up every Single damn time i fell. I did not trust god that my legs would be there when they came down. I could not feel them. One day at my 4 am jog, i said again to god, as i have said many times as i tried to really deep down trust him completely, OK god.. I will trust that you will let my legs be there when i need them, I completely give over to you, and I let go of my fears that bonded me. I lost 100 pounds running that summer. I ran for time not miles. I ran 5 1/2 hours a day sometime more. I found that i could imagine a brick wall in my head. The brick wall was my pain. After the first hour the pain was so high that my mind broke through it , through the wall. I Found the Runners High. I felt NO PAIN AT ALL. I was so addicted. I did not want to stop running , every chance i got i would stop the car, put on my shoes and mp 3 players and go run. I also knew when i stopped running and sat down at home, My body was going to tighten up, lock up and i would pay for my run. i would not be able to move and become dependent on my children for help to get up from the chair, off the toilet.. The Price Was Worth It to feel pain free for just a little while. Running was my Peace.. God was My Partner. God and I talked for Hours and Hours. I felt Powerful. I felt FREE. I wanted More. What else Can I do ? Doctors said i could not lift weights. It would Paralyze me completely and I kept hearing in my head all the doctors that said one hit in my back or a fall and i would never move again. I have a extra vertebra and bone removed from my lower back so they could get to my nerve bundle where the tumor is located to attempt to remove it, repair the fractures and disks. I was herniating and Fracturing bones and disks in my back. I was afraid that what freedom i had now i would loose if i tried. It weighed heavily on me, The choice. I looked longingly at those that walked around the gym in their strong beautiful bodies. For a long time. I envied. I decided that i had to try or i would regret it. I told my kids i was sorry that i knew it was selfish, but i was going to do it. I was going to lift weights. I went to the man at the desk and asked what to lift. He gave me a paper with lifts. I followed it religiously. I was at I was not loosing anymore weight. I could not understand why i was not ripped. I asked everyone that lifted what they did to get so ripped. It was like opening up a state secret..lol. I could not afford a trainer or a dietitian . I knew there had to be a way. Free. Knowledge. I made it my focus. I kept seeing the words based on a 2000 calorie diet on everything, I kept turning over my food looking at it. I wanted to know what the hell that was. I looked up the food for government , they had calories everywhere. I looked up calories. I found everything has a burn point. Everyone needs only a certain amount of calories to function. I found webmd and followed their BMI Calculator , kept a detailed food Journal. I found what exercises uses up 3500 cals for my body to use up a pound of fat on my body. I went from 209.5 to 139 in one year. I had took off 174.5 pounds form my body. I bought all the body building books to teach myself to lift. At the gym they said i need to lift like a girl. and would not show me their lifts i seen them do. I looked up every damn lift i could find in mens lifts and did them all. I Made my Spine Strong as I Could By God and My Will Power. Now My Tattoo is to replace my Spine of Pain with The Love of My Father. He is My Spine For every bone in my spine in between each vertebrate is a Cross Which is My Fathers love and Strength to hold my Spine together. The Dove is A Sign of God In all Forms on this Earth, EVERY Religion on Earth is God. He is the Dove of Peace. He Works through Me. He Gave me Will To Take My Body Back. Now, Today I Face My PTSD and Anxiety Panic attacks head on. I Arm My Body with my Tattoos for What is to come - I will Go Back to My Wheelchair someday. I Feel That all God Put me Through in the last 3 years was to prepare me to take on my mind. To teach me Wisdom. To arm me with what was to come that i did not know from my past that would haunt me in the future. Things I forgot. Complex PTSD with Dissociation. The Mind is a Complex Organ..I am strong. So Strong Now. My Mission now is to make my mind strong. I healed my body with the help of my Father. He has given me the tools to be strong in healing my Mind for the Damage that my mind went through in with all the injuries. I Will Work My Ass off , I will NEVER complain When i fall due to the nerve damage in my legs when they give out, I will look at the Many scars on my knees and chin as my Battle wounds. I will Trust in My Father that My Legs are There When i Run, When i Walk. Each and Every time I fall I Will Get the Hell Up Back Up. Give Everything I have to Keep My Body Strong. I will NOT Take This Body THIS GIFT for Granted Again ! I Write these words to give hope outside myself. I hope that by putting my words down that someone like me will read them. I hope they will learn from my story. Empower them that it is not over, it never is when you think things are the darkest, When your mind and your body has been challenged and broken. You shatter , but you can put the pieces back together and become stronger than you were allowing yourself to be. You can become so powerful in your weakest moments. I HOPE AND PRAY THAT ANY WORD I SAY OR ANY ACTION I HAVE DONE OR WILL DO WILL INSPIRE OTHERS TO TAKE THEIR CONTROL BACK, TAKE THEIR BODIES BACK. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my Story. I Continue To Write My Story. The Final Page in My Story has Not been Written. Gods Peaceful Blessings Kimberly Cox
Posted on: Wed, 04 Jun 2014 11:31:06 +0000
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