First Thoughts on Surviving When Your Spouse Cuts You Off I got a call yesterday from the brother of a friend who’s in the middle of a domestic crisis. His wife of one year, who may or may not have borderline personality disorder, has kicked him out of her house, cleared out their joint bank account, and removed herself and her son from their cell phone account, leaving him with the bill. He quit the job he had when they got together to work for the business she owns, so hes now unemployed. Alas, they are in another state, and I’m only licensed in Georgia. I can’t represent him to file a divorce. I shared some general thoughts though, which might be useful to anyone in this kind of situation. First, he asked, can she do this? Well, people *can* do pretty much anything they want. Whether it’s against the law or not, whether there are remedies at law or not, people can do whatever they want. No one can *make* someone else do anything. I advised him to focus on taking care of himself and getting himself into a stable position in which he can support himself financially. Beyond his own immediate needs for food, shelter, and emotional support, a lawyer to file a divorce and be his advocate is going to cost money. But nothing a lawyer can do is going to make anything happen overnight. So it’s important not to get distracted from taking care of yourself by what she’s done wrong or what she owes him. Those are not productive thoughts to dwell on when your life has just been turned upside down. Processing is important, so I encourage finding counseling, but all of that is secondary to moving forward and taking care of yourself. My other priority in a situation like this would be my personal and irreplaceable things with sentimental value. My photo albums. Mementos. I suggested he have his brother (or some neutral third party) approach the wife with an offer to facilitate removing the husband’s things from her house that she will willingly give up. Hopefully, it’s just all in her way and she will jump at the chance. It’s important that the brother not make accusations or demands, not be contentious or disparaging. Because here’s the thing: no judge in the world can magically make a thing reappear once it has been given away or destroyed. Having a relationship with someone who has a mental health issue like bipolar personality disorder or bi-polar disorder isn’t easy. So I’m not offering an opinion as to whether it’s worth it or how to make it work. I do think one is better off in the long run if something like this manifests itself sooner rather than later. Many times, clinical mental health issue or no, the best thing one can do in a relationship where your partner has had a dramatic change of heart is to back off. By continuing to pursue or demand or harangue, you don’t make a reconciliation attractive. You’re probably just proving to them that whatever negative feelings they were feeling about you were justified. We often get wrapped up in what we think they owe us, which again, is not helpful. The only person you have control over is yourself. When you move in with someone, choose to become financially dependent on them and/or their business ventures, and/or marry them, you make yourself vulnerable. Vulnerable is exciting, in the same way that gambling is exciting. And addictive in the same way that gambling is addictive. Going all in is a rush. Sometimes you win big. Sometimes you walk away with empty pockets.
Posted on: Sat, 26 Jul 2014 19:01:36 +0000
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