Following on from Oprahs interview of Alfie Kohn in the previous post, for those who would like to further understand why reward systems can inhibit intrinsic motivation and self-discipline and would like some ideas of how to encourage, appreciate and share celebration with your child in their small and big achievements, this article by Robin Grille (psychologist and author of Parenting for a Peaceful World and Heart to Heart Parenting) has lots of great insights. Genevieve But children do need acknowledgment, and positive feedback. What can we do instead of praise them? Often we want to express our delight and appreciation for our children; who they are as individuals, and the amazing things they do. Appreciation is different from praise because it is not manipulative. Manipulative praise, as opposed to spontaneous expressions of appreciation or acknowledgment, is loaded with the covert expectation that the child do the praiseworthy act again. Most children can sense this; they can feel the difference between genuine acknowledgment, and a deliberate strategy to reinforce their behavior. So, how do we give our children positive feedback? Avoiding praise or rewards does not mean holding back the love and delight we feel for our children, nor our instinctual desire to encourage them - far from it! It is perfectly possible to join in with our children and celebrate every step of their unfolding, without being manipulative. Heres a few suggestions for how to acknowledge and encourage your children to your hearts content - and theirs - while avoiding the use of praise. Focus the child on his/her own pleasure at achieving. Instead of lavishing children with congratulations, its better if they focus internally on the pleasure they derive from accomplishment. Children are naturally thirsty to achieve, learn and conquer. They are born with an insatiable zest for mastery, and each new attainment fills them with delight. It is this self-enjoyment which provides the greatest fuel for perseverance and further learning. When you see your child do something new, it can be wonderfully encouraging and supportive to say: you look like you enjoyed that!, or: how did it feel to do that?. Im glad you did that, you look happy with yourself!. naturalchild.org/robin_grille/rewards_praise.html
Posted on: Sun, 20 Apr 2014 23:16:53 +0000
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