For all of you that dont know me, my names Heaven Thomas, Im 14 years old. And this is my story. It all started in about 6th grade. I started to hang out with the wrong people, did stupid things, and got into a lot of trouble at school. That summer is when the bullying began. My best friends hacked my Facebook. The things they said destroyed me. What they said isnt even worth repeating. They messaged people pretending to be me, so, a lot of people started to hate me. I lost a lot of friends, and even started to hate myself.. That dragged on all summer. I started middle school at mesa, both the girls who hacked my Facebook were there. But I told myself I wouldnt let them get to me. I got bullied for what had happened over the summer, but I kept it to myself. Towards the end of the year I fell into a deep depression. I started to cut and burn myself. I blamed my parents for what I was feeling. I ran away because I wasnt happy with myself, and I took it out on my parents. So mom and dad if your reading this Im truly sorry. I was home schooled for the last few months of the year. I decided to go to Castle Rock middle school for 8th grade. I was bullied from the very beginning. People made fun of anything and everything I did. They made fun of my clothes, my hair, my grades. Anything they could. I went to the principle and the councilers about what was going on, but they didnt do a damn thing. On top of being bullied my father passed away September 15, 2013. We were never very close, but I felt like I should of called him or wrote him back. But I was full of hate. I felt like he didnt want me, like he abandoned me. But when i figured out he was gone I realized id never get the chance to tell him how I felt, id never get to know him. I started to cut again. It got so bad to where I didnt go a day without doing it. I felt ashamed and mad at myself. But then I met Toni. We knew each other for a while, but we started to get really close. After about a week of us constantly being around each other he asked me to be his girlfriend on October 31, 3013. We did everything together.. we watched football every Sunday. He spent Christmas with me and my entire family. I fell in love with him.. I felt like I couldnt live without him because he was my happiness. The bullying didnt even bother me that much anymore. Because i had someone to talk to, and be there for me. We both struggled with depression and anxiety, but we were there for each other. And at the time thats all that mattered. Toni wouldnt answer my calls or texts for about 2 days. I assumed he got his phone taken away, or he was in some sort of trouble. So I waited for him to call me.. but he never did. On February 12 my parents took me into the garage and told me Toni was gone. With tears streaming down my face, I was in denial. But my parents said they didnt want to tell me until they knew for sure. They had already talked to his sister. It was true. Toni committed suicide February 11, 2014. For a while I blamed myself, and felt like it was my fault. I should of went to his house to make sure he was okay. I should of been there for him, like he was for me. I could of saved him. I didnt think it was possible but the bullying got so much worse. People blamed me for Tonis death. They would push me in the halls and tell me to kill myself, because nobody wanted me there. They called me stupid, ugly, worthless etc. And the worst part is I started to believe them. I believed I was worthless, and unwanted. I believed everything they said because why would they say these things to me everyday if they werent true? After Tonis death I fell into a deep deep depression. I wouldnt talk to anybody, I cut everyday, and thought about killing myself constantly. Id cry for days at a time. I hated myself. I hated everything about me. I felt so alone, and unwanted. I felt like nothing was going to get better. I even felt like id be doing the world a favor if I was gone. April 24, 2014 I attempted to commit suicide. Nobody knew.. but when I woke up the next morning I was so angry. I wanted this constant pain to go away. I wanted it all to be over. But it wasnt. I got a second chance at life, but I didnt want it. I felt like no matter what I did I couldnt be happy. But then I met Colton. He helped me realize that the people who bully me arent worth my tears. He helped me realized that theres hope. He helped me find my happiness again. He hasvstayed up with me all night to make sure I was okay, and he has talked me out of suicide several times.. He saved my life, and i can never repay him for that. Some days I still feel lonely, some days I still feel depressed and unwanted. But I know now that I can get through this. I still get bullied to this day. Just last week kids hung up signs in one of my classrooms telling me to go back to where i came from because nobody wants me there. I still get pushed into corners while people surround me yelling names calling me ugly, worthless and stupid. But I know now that they arent worth my tears. For all of you that have been bullied, lost someone, or struggle with depression. I want you to know that your not alone. If your getting bullied just remember that those people dont matter. They bring others down to make themselves feel better, and its just sad. Dont waste your time and energy on those kind of people. For all of you that have lost someone close to you, or lost someone to the many suicides in Castle Rock I wish you all the very best. Grief is so hard to deal with, sometimes the pain might not feel worth it but you need to stay strong for them. And for all of you that struggle with depression, anxiety, self harm, anything of that nature. Just remember that you are strong, beautiful, and loved. I promise it will get better. I know I didnt believe anyone when they told me that either. But trust me it will get better, you just have to have some faith, be patient, and learn to love yourself. Im telling you suicide isnt the answer. Every 17 seconds someone in the world commits suicide. And every 18 seconds anyone who has ever loved or cared for them is left to deal with their loss. If you are ever feeling depressed, sad, lonely, suicidal, anything like that call me. 720-622-7881. I know whats its like to feel hopeless and unwanted. But just know that I care and Im here for you. You cant live a positive life with a negative mind. So please try and love yourself as much as I do.
Posted on: Tue, 20 May 2014 21:27:41 +0000
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