GOLDILOCKS, THE LOST STORY TGREAPER “Can’t you make a bed Wilbur?” “Shut up Agnes, your bed looks like crap too!” The two grizzlies went about making the beds, exchanging an occasional growl. They had just finished when junior lumbered into the bedroom. “Come on Mom, I’m starving!” Junior said. “Let’s go eat some campers.” “Young man,” Agnes said. “You don’t eat humans. You know they carry too much fat.” “Wish you would get off the health kick,” Wilbur said. The bears waddled down to the dining room, Junior and his Dad sitting at the huge oak table. Agnes opened the cupboard and pulled out a a box of Cream of Wheat. “Really Agnes?” Wilbur said. “Again with the cream slime?” “Oh, shut up Wilbur!” Agnes put a large pot of water on to boil. Wilbur was a typical cranky bear, but deep down, he really loved his family. Family and ribs. Human ribs. And arms, legs, heart, chest. He shook off the thoughts. “Dinner’s ready!” Agnes poured the cream of wheat into three wooden bowls. Junior stared out the window, not wanting to look at the slop his mother had cooked. Across the table, Wilbur was dumping Tabasco sauce into his bowl, trying to spice it up a little. Agnes sat down between her men and bowed her head in a silent prayer. “While you’re at it, why don’t you pray for a cookbook,” Wilbur snorted. “If your cheap butt would buy me a microwave, we could have more variety,” Agnes said, head still bowed. “Shut up about the microwave! You don’t need it!” “Then fix the oven.” “The oven is fine. Try cleaning it!” “Oh man,” Junior said.” Dad’s going to get it.” Wilbur pulled out his pipe and lit it, and caught the glare from his wife. “Take that filthy thing outside,” she said. Wilbur started to reply, then thought better of it. He stood up without a word and lumbered outside. A few minutes later Agnes looked out the kitchen window and saw her husband talking to Natalie, a brown bear from up the path. She let a low growl escape and walked into the living room, where Junior was playing guitar hero. “Go tell your father to get his fat hairy butt back to the table to eat.” After Agnes said grace, this time joined by her family, the three started working over the cooling cream of wheat. “Guess there’s a blonde hiker in the woods,” Wilbur said. “Sounds delicious.” “That what your girlfriend told you?” Agnes didn’t try to hide the jealousy. “Where is that coming from?” Wilbur took a big swig of cream of wheat. “I saw you two out there,” Agnes said, crossing her paws across her chest. “Bet you’d buy her a microwave.” “Enough with the microwave!” “Surprised you two weren’t rubbing fur.” “Mom!” Junior choked on his food. “That’s gross!” Wilbur took a bite out of his cream of wheat and spit it out. His watering eyes centered on Agnes’s paw, which was holding an empty bottle of Tabasco sauce. “Trying to burn me?” “Only way I can keep it hot, without a microwave.” Junior fell out of his chair laughing. His parents watched as he rolled around on the floor. Tears flowing from his eyes. “Great, first you burn me, now junior’s gone insane.” Wilbur took another bite, this time holding it in and swallowing. “Let’s go hunt that hiker.” “Hunt doesn’t involve peeking in Natalie’s window,” Agnes said. “Oh for cripe’s sake Agnes!” Ten minutes after the bears walked out, Goldilocks snuck into the cabin through the back door. She was drunk, stoned, and suffering a serious case of the munchies. She spotted three half empty bowls of cream of wheat and sat down at the table. She took a bite of the first bowl and it nearly melted her face off. “Wow! That tastes nuclear!” She said. She stood up and walked over to the bowl in the middle seat. She took a bite and tasted nothing. No flavor at all. She saw the bowl at the other end of the table and walked over to it. She sat down in the small chair and downed the whole bowl. Munchies satisfied, she leaned back in the chair and it fell to pieces under her. Laughing, she picked herself up off the floor. “I need a nap,” she said. She found a staircase by the kitchen door and wandered upstairs. There were three rooms, one on the right, one across the hall on the left, and one directly down the hall from her. That door was opened and she could see it was a bathroom. She walked into the room on the left and found two beds. She climbed into the one on the far end and nearly fell off. It was like laying on a brick. She tried the other bed and it nearly swallowed her. “What the?” She said, climbing out of the bed and crossing the hallway to the other room. There was a smaller bed under a window. She crawled in and was soon passed out. She didn’t hear the voices, or the footsteps as the bears surveyed the damage she caused. Junior walked into his bedroom, spotted the blonde and snuck back across the hallway, where Agnes and Wilbur were re making their beds. “The chick is in my bed.” “We should wake her and send her on her way,” Agnes said. The two males looked at each other and shook their heads. “Screw that,” Wilbur said. “Agnes, go light a pot of water. We’re having blonde stew!” Agnes started to speak, then thought about the cream of wheat they’ve been living on. She smiled and ran out of the room. “Come on Junior,” Wilbur said. “Let me show you how to chop your meat.” Two hours later, Wilbur and Agnes were sitting on the porch, listening to Junior playing guitar hero inside. “Why do I want Twinkies?” Wilbur asked. “Young hikers,” Agnes said. “They do love to smoke nature.” The bears laughed. Wilbur looked out at the woods around him; he truly had all he ever needed. Even if his wife was stuck on cream of wheat. A familiar smell floated down from the campground. Fuel. Someone was using an RV. “Those things have microwaves,” Agnes said. Wilbur nodded. “Okay, you win. Let’s go shopping!”
Posted on: Mon, 31 Mar 2014 13:45:04 +0000
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