Groundhog Day 2014: 16th Annual Punxsutawney Phil Message: Dear Friends/Groundhog Day Enthusiasts Around The World: Behold on this fine morning, the Groundhog -- 2013 was a tough year for everyones favorite Groundhog. After predicting a warm spring last February, you may recall it only got colder and colder. A bit too cold for an Ohio prosecutor who on March 22 filed papers in court seeking the death penalty against Punxy Phil for perpetually poor prognosticating of pleasant piping plover periods of plush and peaceful weather: foxnews/us/2013/03/22/ohio-prosecutor-reportedly-seeking-death-penalty-for-punxsutawney-phil/ Since the indictment, Punxy Phil has been on the lam from the law. Like Bigfoot, Edward Snowden, the Mets offense, the Lochness monster, or broccoli on my dinner plate, theres been rumors, possible sighting, but no concrete proof of his existence. While avoiding brushes with the law, he faces (carlos) danger everywhere he goes. So like a James Bond movie, Punxy hit the road: • In July, Punxy was there hiding under the hat of a English Beefeater to observe the birth of his Royal Highness Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. • In March, the neighbor of his old friend from a groundhog exchange program in Argentina, Mario Jorge Bergoglio, asked Punxy to come to the Vatican to help him chose his papal name. Punxy confessed that while his favorite actor has always been Bill Murray for his work in the greatest and only groundhog-centric movie ever made (Caddyshack doesnt count), he chokes up when thinking of St. Francis of Assisi who is the patron saint of animals. Mario Jorge thought Punxy was onto something - Francis, Francis, --- the light bulb went off and the white smoke appeared -- Pope Francis I it is. • In June, Punxy was said to have been in Hong Kong trying to sell a trove of NSA secret wiretaps of Weather Channel officials discussing how no two snowflakes could possibly be alike. When these negotiations broke down, Punxy met with Vladimir Putin and agreed to guarantee snow conditions for the Sochi Olympics in February 2014 in exchange for asylum and a non-roster invite to play goalie for Mother Russias hockey team. • During his summer in France, he met one of the guys from the music duo Daft Punk. When one of them had visa problems getting to Hollywood, Punxy agreed to return to the U.S. of A., don the helmet, and play bass guitar for the music video of Get Lucky. youtube/watch?v=h5EofwRzit0 o Punxy was also spotted playing Harry Kissinger in Stephen Colberts parody Daft Punk video of the year: youtube/watch?v=cs6r6Ud0GGU • In September, Punxy was spotted in New Jersey leaving a N.Y. Football Giants game where he was looking for the body of Jimmy Hoffa in the far end zone with the hopes of trading its location for a reduced sentence from the Ohio prosecutor. Instead, he was caught on the jumbotron, scurried out, and sought refuge at a local hospital. Wrong move. He saw something he shouldnt have. Gov. Chris Christies readjustment of a certain surgery to allow extra room for Super bowl tailgating foods in February 2014. Scared for his life, and wanting to avoid the fate of that poor horse in The Godfather Part II, Punxy headed for the border. A Gov. Christie aide got a tip Punxy Phil was hiding on a port authority bus and traveling to see his cousin in Poughkeepsie, NY. The aide sent an emergency message to the George Washington Bridge authorities: Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee. He responded, Got it. After 4 days of being snarled in traffic, he put on his goggles and recalled advice he received from an old folk singing friend Llewyn Davis about the George Washington Bridge: klipd/watch/inside-llewyn-davis/george-washington-bridge-scene • Come December, Punxy was tired, hungry after a quiet Thanksgiving, and mentally separated from his reality due to the early stages the mind-bending polar vortex weather. He had already fixed the Obamacare website so what else could he do with his computer skills? Punxy joined The Facebook to pass the time in his bunker, ignored the friend request from someone named Sydney Leathers, and learned not to post any NY Times articles about the real story of the Benghazi attacks last September at the U.S. embassy. Apparently, people care most about old photos from yesteryear, high scores in fruit ninja, little groundhogs misbehaving or crawling, and food reviews. • In January 2014, Punxy waved his paw farewell to Mayor Bloomberg and offered the new Mayor de Blasio a knife and fork for his lunch in Staten Island at a pizzeria. Punxy Phil is always looking to cause havoc in the borough where his nemesis Staten Island Chuck resides under the protection of Parks Czar Michael P. Schnall. • Back in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania on this February 2, 2014, the worlds focus is not on wild beasts such as Wolves of Wall Street, Weasel Weisels in Stamford, but Hawks from the Sea in Seattle or Bucking Broncos from the Cannabis capital of the U.S. on this special Superbowl Sunday. No, its on the mighty Groundhog. The whole year has led up to this…… Just a short time ago for the first time on a Superbowl Sunday, the 128 year-old Punxy Phil, the Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, in Groundhog-ese released the following statement: A Superbowl winner I will not predict, but my weather forecast you cannot contradict. Why that’s not a football but my shadow I see, its six more weeks of winter it must be… And there you have it. Continue to bundle up folks, stay classy, and hope for a better weather outlook in 2015. All the best, Chris 1998 Veteran of Gobblers Knob and the Punxsutawney Pa. (via Binghamton University) experience
Posted on: Sun, 02 Feb 2014 13:11:45 +0000
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