Hello Ms. Zane, I first want to start off by thanking you for taking the time to read my email which will be all over the place. Im a 20yr old female who is at stand still. At a young age I remember coming home to my mother (who was staying with her then boyfriend) after a fun weekend with my father and his family. My mom would have black eyes, but me being so young and sheltered didnt know what to think. This went on for a few years. I remember walking in on my mother getting beat up by a man (she married that man) that was supposed to love her and treat her like the queen that she is. I was about 9 or 10 when I jumped in that fight and I distinctly remember him yelling to me (get off of me b***h). (Sorry for the language). After that, I guess my mom was kind of fed up and decided that it was time for her relocate. We moved about an hour away from where we were staying, but somehow he managed to wiggle his way in. Moving into our new place was cool for a while until another fight broke out and this time my brother jumped in. We had to move of course and there hasnt been any fights since. I still look at him as a coward for ever putting his hands on my mom. Theyve been married for quite some time now. I do still stay with my mom, I help pay bills. I started college, but wasnt interested in the field that I went into. I will be going back for sure. I met a guy when I was 16 that I had been on and off with for about 3yrs. I was young and naive thinking that wed be together forever. I did end up losing my V card to him which I am not proud of, but he is the only guy that Ive ever had intercourse with. I know that Im 20 and should be focused on what I want to do and be within the next 5-10 yrs, but I always find myself thinking about if Ill ever find someone that will love me unconditionally and that wont put their hands on me. As an African American girl, I find myself turned off by black men due to the bad examples Ive been around. My moms husband used to hit on her, my dad cheated on my mom and got someone else pregnant, my brother asked his girlfriend to marry him and he still cheat on her and my other brothers are cheaters as well. Ive only met one black man that loves his woman unconditionally through whatever and that is my sisters husband. My generation of guys are and selfish, they lack ambition and acts as if someone owes them something. I fear ever getting married, because guys these days lack guidance and respect. What if choose someone thatll beat me just because they feel that they can? People are always asking me Why are you single or are you gay? I am definitely not into women, but I do believe that I intimidate men. Im mean to people (not in a bullying manner) because I fear ever being that girl that people can run over or hit on. I dont show emotion, I dont tell people I love them and I dont like getting attached to people because I fear being let down. I feel like I dont live the life of a normal 20yr old because Ive always acted so much older or been wiser than my age (or so Ive been told.) As I said earlier, I know I should be focusing on myself and my future, but I can only find myself thinking about the what ifs You can post to your FB, their May be others out there like me. Signed What if Thanks Ms. Zane XOXO MY RESPONSE: Unfortunately, there are TONS of young women out here like you and of ALL RACES. What your mother did was allow abuse to become a sence of normalcy for you. At this point, you are so afraid that a man will abuse you that you have put up a lot of walls. Men, no matter what their racial makeup or background, can cheat, be disrespectful, lie and be abusive. However, there is nothing wrong with dating whomever you like but do not discount black men simply because of the color of their skin. I agree that you should concentrate on your future right now and simply be open to the possibilities of love. You may even need to get some counseling. I realize that I say that all the time but it is for a good reason; it truly can help. Your mothers acceptance of certain things and allowing you and your siblings to witness it have directly affected you. It is as simple as that. But listen, darling, there is nothing wrong with being attached to someone. If things do not work out, then there will be others but the alternative of never even taking a chance will lead to a very long and lonely life. You will be fine because you already have begun your cleansing by even emailing me. I suggest keeping a journal as well. And I also suggest meditation. It works wonders to give you clarity. Good luck.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 12:21:33 +0000
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