Hey Sybil: it’s a 3 day holiday weekend….why don’t you go back to hell for awhile and give us a break? Yesterday began so promising, but as par for the course, Sybil waits to strike when we least expect it. I had my sweet little Elena and was feeding my beautiful little angel when Ronnie came in and I knew right away he had been crying. I asked him if he was ok and did he need to talk about our Corrie. He looked at me with eyes full of tears and said “Babe, I’m just so damned sad. Corrie should be over at the lake telling her stories making everyone laugh and then hugging everyone as she was leaving. I miss my little girl and feel so lost without her.” No words from me were needed. I just hugged him the best I could with a sleeping baby in my arms. Yes, my wonderful man, our baby should be here with us, but we were dealt an ugly hand in life and we will have to wait until we are reunited in Heaven. Apparently, Ronnie is also very worried about me. I am amazed how each of us worry about the other and think we can also fool each other with our words “I’m o.k.” when we are in truth, struggling and dealing with Sybil pulling us under in the tidal wave of grief and feel like we are drowning. You would think we would learn after almost 32 years of marriage and 34 years of being together that we know each other inside and out and know we are just trying to protect each other from as much sadness as we can. My wonderful husband, I promised you I wouldn’t pray to die anymore, I promised you I would live, I can’t promise you, as much as I want to, that I won’t be sad and cry, just like you could never promise me the same. I guess this is the part of our wedding vows that said “in good times and in bad”…..if I could, I would have the church rewrite those vows with some really crude and raw language to replace the word “bad”…..this definitely goes BEYOND “bad”. My wonderful and sweet high school girlfriend texted me yesterday because she too was having a horrible day missing her Angela. I promised to call her later in the day. I could read in her message how much pain she was in and how badly she was suffering and hurting. I am ashamed to say I took the cowards way out and didn’t call her. I was already so sad myself and didn’t know if I could take on her Sybil along with mine. I am so sorry Kathy. I did talk to her this a.m. and told her the same thing I just wrote. I said we were both so bad we probably could have talked each other into jumping off a tall building. I loved hearing her laugh. The thing is, we both get it. We get not being able to talk, to reach out, unable to give words of comfort. Same club, same membership, same sadness. What are the flipping odds, that two women out of eight in our tight knit little group would both lose their second born children, both girls within 1.5 years of each other? Probably have better odds in winning the Power Ball Lottery. Last night, when we found one star peeking through the clouds and we told Corrie good night and we loved her, Ronnie and I hugged each other. I asked this once strong man “Hon, Where do we go from here?” Silence, silence and more silence. Finally in a cracked voice I could barely hear “Babe we can only go to tomorrow.” TRUE DAT MY HUSBAND, TRUE DAT. Tomorrow, I can only deal with hours not days, but my tomorrows will be spent honoring my daughters memory, searching for what God wants me to do to complete my purpose here on Earth - whether that takes me one hour, one day or 20+ years, I will find out what it is and tomorrow, I will again take one breath, one step and promise to live. Isaiah 25:8- He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. Once again, Sunday is the day of rest so I have no life challenge for you today, other than 3 kisses and “I LOVE YOU’s” throughout the day. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows and Unicorns.
Posted on: Sun, 31 Aug 2014 16:37:18 +0000
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