Hey, so this is long and overly personal, but here we go… This afternoon I had a bit of a mental breakthrough as a parent. For weeks (months?) the challenge of raising a four-year-old had been getting the best of me. To be clear, my wonderful wife does about 95% of the work on that front. She’s amazing, loving, and always forward thinking. I’ve seen too many examples in the past of children (and husbands) not respecting their mothers (wives), and that burns me to no end. How ungrateful can you be! From the beginning one of the primary goals I had after raising him in the “training and instruction of the Lord” was to raise him to respect people, respect his mother, respect women, men, children, whomever. Really, the Fourth Commandment, “Honor your father and mother,” etc. When Alex would be his three or four year old self, that often became disrespectful. “No! My way! Not yours!” with the subsequent yelling, kicking, hitting, and tears. It upset me to have him treat me like that; it burned me to have him treat his mother that way. So often I would walk into the middle of a situation, and because I was insulted with the way that he was treating his mom, I would fly off the handle with discipline. 9 times out of 10, it fixed nothing, and when it fixed nothing it almost always made things worse. I’ve been so terrified of being one of “those” parents, whose children run the show and for whom there’s no structure, disciple, or real love, that I quickly found myself driving in the other ditch. I love my kids and therefore want to instill in them what is right and wrong and growing up to be civilized, God-fearing men. And yet, having fun when things were good and being ticked off at the smallest indiscretion is not parenting; that’s being psychotic. I’ve spent much time in prayer, trying to figure what the Lord would have me do. How can I be a better father? How can I be a better husband? How can I be a better pastor, man, citizen, whatever? Clearly I was failing on all counts. How does my Savior deal with me and how can that be reflected in my parenting? Today, it’s like a light went on. Alex was grumpy (even after a nap that was deemed necessary because of previous grumpy behavior), and was generally being a pill. My first instinct was to really jump in there and right this ship, even if it meant grabbing it by the sails in turning it around. The last 6 months should have taught me that this method does not work and only makes things worse. So I just sat in the chair in the living room and I waited. I made it clear that this behavior was unacceptable, and that when he was ready to tell me what was wrong or what he would actually like to do (he so often gets in a rut of shooting down every idea you voice but never volunteers something to do that would be fun), I would be right there. I fought the instinct to raise my voice. I fought the desire to “fix” it right then and there. I just sat. I just waited. I thought to myself, “I can be more stubborn than him. I can wait this out. If I’m patient enough, he’ll come around and we’ll go do something fun.” And then that word echoed in my mind (and if I may be slightly melodramatic, my soul), “Patient.” And then in an instant I saw what should’ve been so plain before: Flash: Garden of Eden, after the fall into sin. How does God deal with Adam & Eve? Not with instant damnation, not with bringing the hammer of his wrath down on them. But a simple voice, a call, a question, “Where are you?.... Who told you…?” Flash: The wilderness. How many times did the Israelites forget God and falter against him? How many times could God, being completely justified in doing so, have just rid of the earth of the obstinate people before him. And yet he doesn’t. He deals with them calmly, patiently, and leads them to the land he promised. Flash: Israel. The people didn’t learn. Generation after generation came and ignored the will and Word for God. What did he do? He sent his leaders, judges, kings, prophets, to them to call them back to repentance, to warn them of fall-out if things kept going this way, but always there with love and call for repentance followed immediately with forgiveness. Flash: The world in its sin should’ve been destroyed, and yet a Savior had been promised. God didn’t deal with it right away, but waited until the time was right. He bided his time until he sent his Son to be the Savior long-foretold. And there, in his time, he got the payment for the world’s sins, our sins. Flash: A man who was persecuting the church for months, maybe years, even violently so, should’ve been struck down. But he wasn’t killed; he was stuck down with God’s love and call to be Paul, the messenger of God’s amazing, free gospel to the Gentiles. To parent with patience doesn’t mean a free-for-all (God continued to make his will as clear as crystal even as his people weren’t following it), nor does it mean something with no consequences (Assyria and Babylon both ended up having to come as a scourge on an unrepentant Israel). To parent like Christ means loving patience, that always seeks to correct in love and as important *with* love. To be clear, I do not think that other forms of parenting are in any way invalid. Time outs, groundings, the occasional spankings all have their place. We all have a sinful nature that needs to be curbed, and there are times when simple words and time are not sufficient to address the indiscretion. Consequences need to make manifest the words, “This behavior is wrong and will not be tolerated.” But, unlike I was so often inclined to do, there’s little good to be had in the nuclear option being the first and only option. Things aren’t going to get fixed right away, especially not in the heat of the moment. Clearly this is not in my nature. If something’s wrong, I want to try to fix it yesterday (unless of course it’s the giant pile of junk in my to do list that goes undone for weeks on end!). But in this patience we can see Jesus’ patient love for us. And if that’s what we’re reflecting to our children, if that’s what we’re showing to the world, then we’re doing exactly what God has called us to do, and dealing with others as he has dealt with us. Eventually, Alex volunteered that he was hungry for a snack (a concept that 15 minutes prior I had voiced and had been very clearly rejected). We got a snack, went outside, played, did some work, and generally had an awesome afternoon and evening, even letting Mom and Little Brother get a nap! The patience paid off. It doesn’t matter how many times you read this, are told this, or even know this. Sometimes you just need the personal 2x4 across the temple to really get it to sink in. If you made it this far, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, Tim’s a pretty terrible father” which is probably fair and in a lot of ways true. But I hope that perhaps someone has similar struggles and can be encouraged by this. If nothing else, marvel in the patient forgiving love of God that has taken away our failings as parents, children, or any other calling he has given to us by giving us our Savior. “The Lord is not slow in keep his promises, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to come to repentance.” (2 Peter 3:9)
Posted on: Fri, 02 Aug 2013 03:34:28 +0000
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