“Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.” That is an interesting quote from Mother Theresa. Honesty is possibly the most desirable attribute I want in any friend or lover. In fact I do not want it, I demand it. Honesty can sometimes hurt you but a lie exacerbates the hurt ten fold, least it does for me. Transparency is a good thing and if by being transparent it makes you vulnerable then only the worthless or ignorant would take advantage and in most cases, people who deliberately use your vulnerability for gain are not the sort of people you really need to have in your life. Forgiving the truth however painful can be achieved, but to forgive a lie, I am not so sure. That is a position I have found myself in, not just now but a few times in my life. In the last few days I have been hearing and getting to grips with some of the truth, it is difficult, in fact some of it is hurtful, but like I said it is a welcome relief to the pain of the dishonesty I endured recently If someone has the courage to admit a mistake then I should have the courage to at least attempt to find it within myself to forgive them for it. If I can then I will be able to move forward far easier and indeed quicker. It is very difficult but I am determined to work on it. I am also working on not allowing other peoples mistakes from the past to have a detrimental affect on my future. After speaking to a few friends and another hour with Nikki on Tuesday I am still feeling strong if a little confused. It has been suggested to me that making big decisions are not what I need to make right now. The pressure is still something that whilst it is getting easier, I do not want to have to handle, I do not really need to have to handle so I will not be making any big decisions. I am comfortable being able to continue to make the smaller decisions, like badminton or a cycle, red wine or white, karaoke night or a restaurant meal etc but I still struggle with more difficult business or personal decisions. I have my daughter with me for a few days. I picked her up on Tuesday. First thing she wanted was Karaoke! No change there then. Karaoke is what she got, and we went to the 5th avenue, which is rapidly becoming her favourite place. Not just because she is my flesh and blood but she is quite good for one so young. Like I say she has some singing lessons at school and whilst not x factor standard she can hold a key. Like I lot of youngsters she wants to sing all the stuff she hears in the charts. Sadly not every tune suits every ones voice and she still attempts to sing stuff she has not a hope of reaching but shell learn. …................. I woke up on Wednesday knowing it was going to be a testing day. It was six years to the day since the death of my father. I went to his grave at the cemetery armed with two dozen roses. Stephanie was happy talking about her granddad saying how he made her smile and despite being only six when he died, she still remembers some happy times. She was quite upbeat, no tears, that was good. I was upbeat as well. I looked at the empty spot next to him which I reserved shortly after he died and thought that, although I miss him very much, I am in no hurry to join him. I once again thought of some of the positives to come from some of the recent events and they are there. I am beginning to see them a little more clearly now. One of the positives was the fact that after the court case I now have a better foundation to get uninterrupted visits with Stephanie (and Joseph when he wants to see me) and I have already started reaping the rewards. More importantly so has she. After that visit and also a check up to see if Kim was OK at the stall, I went to St Osyth and dropped Stephanie off at her mates, I took the opportunity to have a welcome catch up with a friend. This lady has always been a level headed and supportive friend. Her neutrality is balanced with a sense of honesty so I can rely on her to play devils advocate to good effect. She proved once again to be an effective sounding board. I got suckered into yet another sleepover. I knew I would. So I had Stephanies mate came back to ours. I had to chuckle, I was sat up in bed listening to them attempting to be really quiet and make out they were asleep whilst they were actually watching you tube videos and giggling and chatting until silly o’clock in the morning. I did what I normally do, I spoke to friends, wrote my thoughts and planned the next day. I slept very little …............. The next day has arrived, Stephanie and her mate went on the pier with ride wristbands attached and that gave Iain, and I, a chance to finish installing some CCTV cameras in the two stalls. After a short while Stephanie complained of not feeling too well she managed to throw up all over Kims shoes outside the stall!! I see an old school friend in town today, that was the highlight of the day, it was good to see her smile. Stephanie is finally tucked up in bed, she managed to throw up again this evening, but she is fine now. I think she went a bit too mad on the E numbers and the rides on the pier. My evening has been made better by the chance to express my thoughts and once again listen to others. So all in all, a good day. A trip to Colchester Zoo tomorrow (well today, I didnt realise the time!) .Exercises then bed I think. With love to you all, Michael xx
Posted on: Thu, 10 Apr 2014 23:30:00 +0000
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